What Need Means
by adriaticjellyfishsting
Summary: Merlin has always given Arthur what he needs, which includes sometimes being there to warm his bed, and although she tells herself that it means nothing, she finds that she's fallen in love with the overgrown prat, complications ensue. girl!Merlin
1. Chapter 1

****_It seems that I have a penchant for writing girl!Merlin_.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer**

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**What Need Means: Chapter One  
**

The first time Arthur and Merlin made love, they were in the forest. They were returning from Mercia, and Arthur was broken. He had fallen to his knees, unable to go on, and Merlin had fallen with him, as she always did. And as she always did, she told him that he was alright and that he had done the right thing, and that she was proud, so proud of him, and that anyone who wasn't could be damned to hell and back. It had been a quiet moment, and a loud one all at once, hearts beating and rapid breathing the only sounds in the forrest until they were panting, sweating on the ground, tearing off their clothing, searching for the right places to put their hands. It was the first time for Merlin, and the pain had been intense, but so had the pleasure. When they were finished and Arthur rolled off of her, they there, still entangled in each other's arms, listening to the rapid beatings of their hearts and the slow, cool breeze rustling the trees.

For weeks after, their conversations had been rushed, awkward, and sans eye contact. They didn't speak about what had happened in the forrest, and that was fine with Merlin. They didn't need to. Both of them knew that it didn't mean anything. Arthur had needed someone and she had been there. Forget about it, she told herself, just forget about it.

Of course, she couldn't just forget about something like that, and it fueled her fantasies and her nightmares for months, long after things had gone back to normal. Merlin didn't feel any differently about Arthur; he was the same as he had always been, an annoyingly noble and chivalrous prat. Nothing ever changes, she thought, no one ever changes.

Their night in the forrest haunted Arthur too. When he glanced at Merlin out of the corner of his eye, he saw ghosts of the ecstasy and pain that had danced across her face in the forrest. Every now and then, he tried to make an attempt to speak with her about it, to explain himself, to apologize, but every time, she headed him off and he dropped the subject. They hadn't been truly alone together for three months after their romp in the forrest, not until Arthur had to go on a visit to Mercia again. He only required Merlin, none of his knights.

And so it was in Mercia, again, that Arthur and Merlin found themselves together, alone.

"Good night, King Arthur," purred the King of Mercia's advisor, "We will see you tomorrow morning, to finalize this treaty."

"Good night," replied Arthur, "Come on, Merlin."

Merlin jumped up from her seat in the corner, where she had been watching the discussions with great interest, hidden by a mask of utter boredom. Walking into Arthur's rooms with him, she looked him square in the face.

"Those terms are bollocks and you know it," she told him.

He glared at her.

"Don't you think I know that, Merlin? But there's this thing called diplomacy, you know, and as a king, I need to be rather good at it," said Arthur disdainfully.

Merlin rolled her eyes in the usual fashion, and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Yes, I know, but you can't just roll over and take them! You'll fight to the death for Camelot on the battle field! Why won't you do it in a negotiations hall?"

Arthur's expression was tired, and he rubbed his temples.

"I am trying, Merlin, you have to know that," his eyes were pleading.

"I do," she said in a soothing tone, and placed a cool hand on his shoulder, "I do."

"What would you have me do, then?" he demanded quietly.

"I would have you argue for what is right for your people, for what you know is good, and if you cannot get them to accept your points, you will at least have tried," Merlin said.

Arthur nodded ever so slightly, and Merlin moved her hand from his shoulder to his face, and softly stroked his cheek.

"You're tired," she whispered, "You should get some sleep."

"It's not sleep that I need."

"What is it, then?"

"You, Merlin," he almost growled, and kissed her fiercely.

There was no tenderness in the kiss, not like there had been in the forrest. Arthur pushed one way, and Merlin pushed the other, an argument. Stumbling blindly, too caught up in the heat between them, the fell onto the bed, Arthur fumbling with Merlin's stupid dress, and Merlin fumbling with Arthur's stupid shirt, each racing to undress the other first. Arthur beat Merlin, laying her naked in front of him, pouting slightly at her loss.

"Not fair," she muttered, and Arthur smiled.

Without warning, he attacked her body with kisses, dragging his lips down her body from her breasts to her navel, trailing his tongue across her thighs, and finally, dipping a finger inside of her. Her hips bucked up to meet him, and he grinned. Thrusting his fingers back and forth, he elicited a moan from her, and another, louder one when he flicked his tongue across her sex. He felt her warm wetness, her tightness, her need, her fingers winding into his golden hair.

"Arthur," she moaned, arching her hips up off the bed.

He looked up at her, head thrown back in ecstasy, hair spilled out across the pillows. His erection strained against his pants painfully, but he continued licking Merlin to the edge. When he didn't think that either of them could bear it any longer, he undid his pants and positioned himself at her entrance.

"Just do it," she breathed, "Now."

He didn't hesitate. Arthur thrust into her, and she cried out. Merlin clutched at the sheets as they built up a rhythm, a slow rock, back and forth, building up speed. She wrapped her legs around him, eyes closed, mouth open in pleasure. Arthur could tell that she was close to her breaking point. Thrusting furiously, he slammed into her, and she cried out his name, voice heavy with lust. He watched the look on her face as she came, unguarded and beautiful. As he spilled himself into her, he moaned her name, sweet and low.

Exhausted, Arthur fell to Merlin's side, pressing his face against her. A little disappointed when she started to move away, he asked where she was going. "To the servant's quarters, Arthur," she said, as if it was obvious.

"But the bed in here is much nicer," he smiled at her.

Hesitantly, she stayed and crawled under the covers. She felt Arthur's arms wrap around her, holding her as she fell asleep.

Morning came quickly, and Merlin got up before Arthur, and dressed herself. After she put her hair up, since she had no brush, and their tryst the night before had left it in quite a state, Merlin woke Arthur.

"Time to get up!" she shook him gently.

He grumbled something that sounded a lot like bugger off.

"Up!" she ordered, and pulled the covers off of him. Instantly, he shot up, swearing and shivering, trying to cover himself up.

"I'm up! I'm up!"

"Good! You've got a meeting to be at in five minutes!" she informed him, holding out his clothes.

They chatted about the treaty as he dressed, and walked in silence to the hall. Merlin resumed her place from the previous day, and looked on as Arthur heeded her advice from the night before. She smiled to herself.

When the treaty was signed, they rode for Camelot, and talked the whole way back. They talked about everything from the weather to Gwaine's drinking habits. The only thing they didn't breathe a word about was the previous night.

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Thanks for reading! Reviews are always appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer**

**What Need Means: Chapter Two  
**

And so it went.

Life was normal, good, even. The kingdom was prosperous, the weather was beautiful, and every so often, Merlin would find herself on Arthur's bed, or table, or pressed up against a wall in some dark corridor. Everything else was exactly the same. They still joked with one another, she told him he was a prat, he called her an idiot, and time and time again she laid her life on the line for him. The only difference was the sex, the stolen moments that they never mentioned. They don't mean anything, of course. Arthur had needs, and Merlin was the obvious choice to fill them. She was a good looking girl, and she as right there. Neither of them had any illusions about it. Merlin even saw other people, for a time, but discovered that sex with anyone other than Arthur was gravely disappointing.

It was a lovely, warm summer morning and Merlin was making the bed in Arthur's room when she heard him walk in.

"Merlin," he walked towards her with purpose, "I need your help."

"What is it?"

"How do you," he looked embarrassed, "How do you tell a woman that you are interested in her?"

Merlin nearly dropped the sheets in her hands. It had meant nothing, she thought. Never had he mentioned it before, never had she expected him to.

"Well, I'm a firm believer in the 'straight and to the point' philosophy," she said, smiling at him.

"What, like just randomly, out of the blue, tell her that I think she is gorgeous and kind and wonderful? I've never actually courted someone before, you know."

"Gorgeous, kind and wonderful, you say? Who is it that draws such praise from such a kingly prat?" she tapped him on the nose and he grinned.

"You can't tell anyone," he started.

"My lips are sealed."

"Alright," he took a deep breath, "It's Gwen."

Merlin was literally shocked speechless.

"Merlin?" Arthur waved a hand in front of her face. She shook her head.

"Gwen? Wow! When did this happen?" she managed shakily.

"It's been nagging me for a while," he told her, "There was just something about her that I found so... lovely."

"Well, that's Gwen for you," Merlin laughed, "She's really quite lovely."

"Isn't she?"

Merlin nodded, and went back to making the bed. As she tucked the sheets under the mattress, she remembered lying splayed out on it, naked and sweaty beneath Arthur, and then she imagined Gwen in her place.

"So, straight and to the point, then?" Arthur asked, tapping her on the shoulder.

"Yeah, straight and to the point."

To be fair, Merlin had never actually acknowledged the fact that she might have had feelings for Arthur, in more than just the 'I really like having sex with you' kind of way. Therefore, she had no right to feel hurt or betrayed by Arthur's newfound affections. She didn't even know what her feelings towards Arthur were.

They were friends, that she was sure of. Best friends, really. They did everything together, rarely apart from one another. She cared for him as a friend, as well as a protector, and she knew that he cared for her. Sometimes, she was sure that she hated him, after she left his room in the night, taking bets with herself on how bruised her hips would be from their after their affairs.

Sometimes, she was sure that she was in love with him, in those moments that he held tight to her and pressed a gentle kiss to her temple.

And sometimes, the only thing Merlin was sure about was her place in Arthur's life.

She was his friend, and his comfort, his outlet.

She was not his lover, or his mistress, or his wife.

She was whatever Arthur needed her to be.

Merlin rubbed her arms, sore from serving as practice dummy to Arthur and his knights. If there was one thing that she had learned in all her time in Camelot, it was how to take a beating. Don't hold the shield too close to your face, was the first thing, since if it got whacked hard enough, so did your face. The second thing was to not hold it too far away from you, since the force of the blow would bend your arm back into painful contortions. Thirdly, she found out that falling to the ground did not mean the end of the beating, just more laundry.

For hours, Merlin had stood braced against the knights, wearing armor that was too big for her and a helmet that she could barely see out of. Every time that she had to wear it, Arthur would laugh at her and tell her she looked ridiculous, to which she would always respond that if she was so laughable an opponent, he should find someone else to fight. He never did.

It had been a fine day, so warm in fact that a dozen or so people had left the castle to watch the knights train. To Merlin's dismay, she had been trashed about in front of all of them, landing on her bum six or seven times during each "match", if one could even call them that. There wasn't much competition to be had. Arthur called for a brief respite before his own "match" with Merlin, and jogged over to Gwen, who was stretched out on the grass, braiding flowers into a chain. Merlin watched as Gwen finished it, and strung it onto Arthur's armor.

"What's got you grinding your teeth, sunshine?" Gwaine asked Merlin, who hadn't been aware that she was glaring.

"I'm not grinding my teeth," she said indignantly, "The sun is just really bright. It's giving me a headache."

"Are you sure it's not all the times that you've been hit over the head in the past couple of hours? Because if I had gotten thumped as many times as you just were, I'd probably be on the floor," he grinned.

"Clearly, I'm tougher than you are," Merlin tried to look superior.

Gwaine just laughed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"We'd better make sure your head is screwed on tight for your round with Arthur. Gwen's here and you know how he likes to show off."

Merlin glanced back at the pair of them, sprawled on the grass, laughing together. It shouldn't hurt, she thought, but it did.

"Alright then, let's get to it!" announced Arthur, standing up, leaving his helmet with Gwen.

"Don't you want your helmet?" Merlin asked as he sauntered towards her.

"What for? It's not like you're going to beat me up, or anything," he scoffed at her.

Merlin bristled, clenching her fists. Jamming her helmet onto her head, she braced herself for Arthur's attack. His movements were strong and deft, as hers were agile and smooth, dodging his blunted sword. They danced around each other nimbly, and every once and a while Arthur would land a blow on her shield. For the first time that day, Merlin was actively defending herself from her opponent, not wanting to have Arthur toss her back down on the ground like everyone else had. Maybe there was something other than just her self preservation skills finally kicking in; maybe there was a small part of her that wanted him to admire the way she moved and fought off each of his attacks. Maybe she just wanted him to embarrass himself in front of Gwen.

Their dance grew tiresome, however, and soon Merlin was a little winded. Her steps grew slower and Arthur finally caught her. If it had been a real fight, she would have been inches away from death. Staying his sword when he thought that he had won, Arthur glanced away, smiling at Gwen and then smirking at Merlin. It was too much. Summoning as much force as she could non-magically manage, Merlin stomped on Arthur's foot, and the great warrior-king cried out like a little boy. Merlin burst into laughter and dropped her shield.

"It has been an honor fighting you, Sire," she said, bowing deeply before retreating as quickly as she could.

She estimated that she had about thirty seconds before Arthur decided that she needed to be punished, and thus she began to run.

"MERLIN!" he shouted, giving chase.

"You can't catch me, Sire! Your poor foot is far too sore!" she called over her shoulder.

Arthur hobbled after her, waving the sword.

"I'll run you through, you idiot! Someone catch her!"

Merlin stopped running.

"You prat, I was only joking. No need to be so uptight about everything," Merlin walked towards him.

He glared at her, and she glared back. The conflict was familiar and easy. No one was too worried about it. Gwen, Merlin observed, was giggling with Leon over it.

"I'm sure your foot will be fine, and if you insist, we can go to Gaius," Merlin offered, arms open.

"That won't be necessary," Arthur was still glaring at her, "I can take care of it myself."

"Prat," Merlin muttered, and stalked off to join Gwaine, leaving Arthur to be tended to by Gwen.

She knew that she shouldn't have done that. It was childish and idiotic. She felt stupid for having done it, but it had been so satisfying. That stupid smirk just had to go. It would be back, of course, when he had her scrubbing the floors of the entire castle, or carrying all of his things the next time they took a trip, but it was nice for it to be wiped off of his face for a moment or two. Merlin looked over at Arthur, who was standing close to Gwen. She was redoing the flower chain she had made him, and had a small, delicate hand placed on his shoulder.

Something funny had apparently been said, as Arthur threw his head back in laughter. Merlin roiled with anger.

She had no right to feel this way, no right to be angry. Arthur was free to pursue whomever he wished, and she was fine with that. He had never shown any real romantic interest in her, nor had she shown any to him. It was out of need and duty that they found themselves enthralled in each other's grasp, not love or romance.

Love.

Could it have been love, though? Merlin didn't know. Her head was a mess, full of Arthur and magic and anger. She couldn't tell if she wanted him to hold her close and whisper in her ear, or if she wanted him to ignore her for the rest of time.

Whatever it was, it didn't matter. If she loved Arthur, it didn't matter. If she hated him, it didn't matter. He could love anyone he wanted to, and Merlin had no right to be bitter. She could hate him, but she had to stay to protect him. Merlin knew that Arthur needed her, and that was all that mattered.

The foot stomping was forgiven later that day, as such things usually were. Arthur was eating his dinner and Merlin was standing awkwardly in front of the table, unsure whether or not he was still angry.

"You stomped on my foot," Arthur remarked through a mouthful of stew.

"It would appear so."

"I mean you actually stomped on my foot, Merlin," he laughed, "Who stomps on peoples feet? Are you five years old?"

She tried to glare at him, but couldn't make herself do it. Arthur with the giggles was too much, and soon, Merlin was giggling as well.

"Well, I would have hit you in the face, but then Gwen might have complained," Merlin explained.

"Then I should thank you, as my face is far to beautiful to be damaged by the likes of you," he said, nodding his head in a very stately manner. Merlin rolled her eyes.

"You're just lucky that I put up with you, you know," Merlin told him jokingly, although she really did mean it in earnest.

"Put up with me?" Arthur exclaimed in mock outrage, "I have to put up with you!"

Merlin huffed, pretending to be angry.

"No, no," Arthur said, suddenly serious, "I am lucky that I have such a good friend in you."

"I am a very good friend, aren't I?"

"Usually, Merlin," Arthur allowed, "Now wipe that goofy smile off of your face. If you're trying to convince everyone that you aren't an imbecile, you can't make faces like that. They'll send you back to being the village idiot in Ealdor. "

Merlin made a face at him.

"At least I'm not a pompous prat of a prince," she muttered, clearing away his tray of food.

"I'm not prince anymore, Merlin. If you're to call me a prat, you must call me King Prat, as befitting of my new rank!"

Merlin threw a towel at him and laughed.

"You oaf!"

"I thought I was a prat."

"You are. But you're an oaf as well," Merlin informed Arthur cheerily.

"One of these days I'll have you strung up, Merlin. Mark my words," Arthur threatened gleefully.

Merlin smirked.

"I'd like to see you try."

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Thanks for reading! Reviews appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Three  
**

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all, Merlin thought as she returned one night from serving Arthur his dinner. It wasn't fair that Arthur had chosen Gwen. She was a servant, too, just like Merlin. Was it that there was a softness to Gwen that Merlin didn't have? Was it that Gwen was beautiful and kind? That she knew when to hold her tongue, or that she didn't call Arthur a prat? Was it because Arthur had never seen her at her worst? Merlin was bitter and she knew that she shouldn't be.

It wasn't Gwen that she should be angry about. No one knew about Merlin and Arthur's trysts. There was no reason that anyone would. There were no stolen glances between the two of them, no accidental brushings of their fingertips. No, it was not Gwen who Merlin was angry with. Gwen was wonderful and Arthur would be lucky to have such a woman for his wife.

She was angry with herself. She was angry with herself for allowing herself to be used in such a way that made her heart heavy with pain. She was angry with herself for not being able to tell Arthur that she couldn't do it anymore. She was angry with herself because she needed whatever it was that she had with Arthur, however much it hurt.

He was doing her head in, with the way he joked with her, and moaned her name, and talked about Gwen. Merlin wondered if in his heart of hearts, he knew what he was doing. Part of her hoped that he did, and she could be angry at someone other than herself. Most of her didn't though, because she thought that Arthur cared too much to do something that he knew would hurt her. She knew he didn't love her, at least not in the way that she loved him, but she knew that he cared.

Caring was enough for her, she told herself. It had to be.

She drew a bath by magic, not even bothering with secrecy. She counted bruises.

Five from training, two from chores, three from tripping in the forrest, and one from being pressed against Arthur's table.

A tired sigh escaped her lips as she sunk even deeper into the tub. As she closed her eyes, there was a rapid banging on the door.

"Merlin! Get dressed! There's been an attack! Arthur needs your help!" Gaius shouted.

Merlin dragged herself out of the water and quickly dried her body off. In a few minutes she was dressed and ready to go, leaving her bath water steaming.

No rest for the weary, she thought, hurrying off to find Arthur.

Arthur was hunched over the body on the ground in the throne room. Moonlight illuminated the hard line that his mouth was set in as he examined the corpse.

"What's happened?" Merlin asked, approaching Arthur quietly.

He looked up from the dead man.

"He's been stabbed. The knife is still there," Arthur said, pointing down at the body. The silver, jewel encrusted handle of a knife was protruding from the guards chest.

Merlin bent down to examine it. The metal was giving off a sort of hum, as if it was full of energy. She smacked away Arthur's hand as he reached out to remove it.

"Don't," she warned, "It's magic. Cursed probably."

Arthur's eyes widened.

"Magic? How do you know?"

"There's this sort of vibration that I can feel coming from it. I don't know. Just don't touch it, alright?" Merlin looked at him meaningfully.

Arthur nodded.

"Do you think it was Morgana?" he wondered aloud.

Merlin had no doubt that it was on Morgana'a orders that the guard had ended up dead, but she thought that it was more likely that Agravaine was the actual killer. Not that she could tell Arthur that. He was far too trusting for a king.

"I wouldn't doubt it," Merlin responded, "Although why, I have no idea."

She met Arthur's eyes for a moment before standing back up.

"Gaius is on his way. He'll examine the body and might be able to tell us more in the morning," Merlin said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I was taking a bath, and it would be a shame if I let the water get cold."

Leaving Arthur with the dead guard, Merlin began to make her way back to her room. Gaius wasn't there when she got back, so she reheated the water with her magic and let herself relax again, trying not to think too much about the dead man in the throne room.

She vanished the water when she was done, as she was far too lazy to get rid of it by hand. She stood naked, toweling off her hair, the cool air making goosebumps along her warm and clean body. There was a noise behind her, and Merlin felt Arthur's familiar hands wrap around her from behind.

"What're you doing here?" she asked, twisting around to look at him.

"I couldn't just go back to my room," Arthur explained, "A man died- was murdered- in my castle. Right under my nose. Like it was nothing. I can't sleep."

Merlin gazed at him. He looked so tired, so worn down.

"Then don't," she whispered.

Gently, she pushed him back onto her bed. He lay there for a moment before he undressed himself, tossing his clothes onto the floor. Merlin crawled on top of him, knees on either side of his legs, holding herself so that she hovered over him but didn't actually touch him. Her fingers drew circles on his chest, tracing his collarbone and circling his nipples. They trailed down lightly over his ribs and stomach, to his half hard cock. She took it in her hands, and rubbed it along herself, against her stomach and then outside of her entrance and shuddered as he moaned softly. His erection throbbed in her hands, and he bucked his hips up ever so slightly, brushing against hers. Merlin felt him slide into her as she straddled him, leaning forward so that her breasts were pressed against his chest. Arthur thrust upwards and Merlin dug her fingers into his shoulders. She rolled her hips, grinding them down, holding tight to Arthur. A whimper slipped from her lips as a hot pleasure rippled through her body. Gasping for breath, Merlin rode him until both of them reached their climax, and they came together, their bodies and their moans as one.

"Can you sleep now?" Merlin asked him softly, her breath tickling his ear.

"Mmm," he nodded sleepily as Merlin crawled over next to him, squeezing into what little room was left on the bed.

Another thing that wasn't fair: when for once they actually slept together, it was in Merlin's tiny bed, rather than Arthur's large, comfy one.

Merlin wondered if she should kick him out, and make him go back to his own room. He hadn't invited her to stay with him since their night in Mercia; why should she let him stay in her bed? She glanced at Arthur, his eyes already closed as he faded into sleep. Maybe he could stay.

If sleep was what he needed, then sleep she would let him.

Morning came as a blessing. Sleep had not come easy for Merlin, Arthur's scent invading her brain, keeping her awake. As the first rays of morning light spilled into the room, Merlin disentangled herself from the sheets, careful not to wake Arthur. She dressed herself in silence and waited for him to wake up.

It was a while until his eyes finally fluttered open and he looked about in confusion. When he was finally coherent, he looked up at Merlin.

"How on earth do you sleep in that bed? It's awful!" he yawned, stretching his arms out.

She shushed him.

"Gaius is still asleep!" she hissed at Arthur, "And no one made you sleep in my bed!"

Arthur shrugged and got up, searching for his clothes.

"Here," Merlin said, picking them up and handing them to him.

Their eyes met for a moment as he took them from her. There was something about waking up in the same bed. Some line had been crossed, a line that they hadn't even known was drawn. It was too close, too intimate for comfort. It forced them to be together and to remember the night before.

"You should probably go before Gaius wakes up," Merlin said as Arthur pulled on his pants, "Unless you want to explain why you were here all night."

"Yeah, probably," he put his shirt on, "See you later."

He shut the door quietly on his way out.

The day brought no more revelations about the previous night's attack. Gaius confirmed that the knife was indeed cursed, and removed it from the guard's body with great care, to be locked away in a thick wooden chest. They really should have expected something. It had been months since Morgana had made any move against Arthur and Camelot, and it would only be a matter of time before she moved again.

If only Arthur could see Agravaine for the traitor that he was.

The attack remained a mystery, uninvestigated and unsolved, but there was really nothing they could do. No one really wanted to hunt down Morgana; it would only end poorly. Arthur made the decision not to pursue the inquiry any further, and no one argued. Life in the castle was a little tense, but soon things went back to normal, at least for most people.

Merlin's life (although arguably never normal) did not. At night, she would lie awake in a cold sweat, thinking with dread about whatever Morgana's next attack on Arthur would be, and how she would stop it. She would place complex, dangerous and energy draining protective spells over Arthur, and spent hours of every day scouring the castle for any sign of a plot. It haunted her day and night, and although she would never have admitted it, she was terrified. She was terrified that Morgana would slip through her fingers and win, that she wouldn't be able to protect Arthur, that her destiny would be crushed. That she would be broken.

It got to the point where other people began to notice, not only Gaius, but Gwen and Gwaine, and eventually Arthur. They worried about Merlin and the dark circles under her eyes. She didn't think that they noticed. No one mentioned it until one rainy night, while Merlin was rekindling the fire in Arthur's room.

"Merlin, what's the matter with you these days?" he asked her, rubbing his hands together over the growing fire, "You barely have the energy to even be annoying."

"I'm fine," she lied, stifling a yawn and the urge to rub her eyes.

"Merlin, clearly you aren't," Arthur crossed his arms, "What's the matter?"

"Nothing," she mumbled, and tried to walk away.

"Come back here Merlin!"

She spun around.

"Why do you care so much all of a sudden?"

Merlin felt an edge of exhaustion induced hysteria creeping into her voice.

"Merlin, I always care," he said softly, "You're my friend, and I care about friends."

She chewed her lip. Sometimes she hated the word friend.

"I promise you," she told him, "I'm fine."

Arthur looked at her doubtfully, but nodded.

"May I go now?" she asked him.

"Yes, Merlin. Get some rest, though. You need it."

Only after Gaius had convinced her that wasting away with worry was not the best strategy to protect Arthur did Merlin finally relax. Slowly she eased back into a normal sleep pattern and regained some of the weight that she had lost. She was even in a relatively good mood as she walked into Arthur's room, balancing his breakfast on a tray.

"Good morning," she said cheerily, setting the food on the table.

Arthur, to her surprise, was already dressed.

"What's this then?" she asked him, gesturing at his clothes, "Something special going on today?"

"Well, now that you mention it," he said, "Yes. I've promised Guinevere that I would take her for a picnic today."

"Oh."

"I've had the cook prepare a basket for our lunch," he informed her, "If you could bring it along?"

"I'm going with you?" Merlin said incredulously.

Arthur looked at her as if had been obvious.

"Who else would carry all of our things?"

Merlin did her best not to glare at him. That was exceedingly difficult.

When Merlin had collected the picnic basket from the kitchen, she walked with Arthur to meet Gwen at the city gates, where she was waiting for them.

Merlin felt plain and bland next to Gwen, who was wearing a lilac dress with flower embroidery. She was far too conscious of her slight figure and pointy edges. It was ridiculous, being jealous, she told herself, don't be jealous. But she couldn't help it, as she looked at Gwen's beautiful, full hair, and then thought of her own, straight, flat, and thin.

Stop it, she told herself, stop being silly.

"Hurry up Merlin!" Arthur called to her as she struggled to carry the heavy basket and blankets.

Gwen gave her an apologetic look.

"I'm coming," Merlin grumbled, hurrying after the two of them.

They set up their picnic in the middle of a grassy field full of daisies. Gwen and Arthur stretched out on the blankets, while Merlin sulked nearby. She couldn't believe how dense Arthur was sometimes. What in the world had possibly possessed him to think that bringing Merlin on his date with Gwen? Oblivious as he was to whatever Merlin felt for him, how on Earth could he think that Gwen would be alright with it? It was their day, and as much as Merlin wished it was her in Gwen's place, she thought Arthur bringing her along was utterly tactless.

Merlin plucked petals off of flowers as she tried not to listen to Gwen and Arthur's conversation. They were speaking about something idle, laughing softly and smiling gently. From the corner of her eye, Merlin saw them draw together for a kiss, and couldn't help but watch.

The way that Arthur kissed Gwen was so careful, so restrained, so unlike the urgency and rabid need that he was filled with when he kissed Merlin. He pressed his hands on the back of Gwen's head, but didn't wind his fingers into her hair, didn't pull her down on top of him or attack her with kisses the way he did Merlin.

She dragged her eyes away.

The trip back to the castle was long and quiet.

* * *

Hope you liked it! Reviews appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer**

**What Need Means: Chapter Four  
**

Merlin lit the candles in Arthur's room while he sat in his chair, absorbed in some boring paperwork. He wasn't looking at her, so he couldn't see the emotional battle that was clearly going on inside of her.

"Why do we do it?" she burst out, and he looked up.

"Do what?"

"Have sex."

"Do you mean why as humans, or why do you and I do it?" he asked her.

She didn't find it very funny.

"I'd just like to know, because all the time you talk about how wonderful Gwen is, and pursue her, yet you sleep with me instead."

Arthur looked a little taken aback.

"Well I can't sleep with Gwen while I court her, can I?" he said, frowning at Merlin, "It isn't proper."

"And sleeping with me is?" Merlin was incredulous.

"You enjoy it, don't you?" he crossed his arms, "What's brought this on anyways?"

"Whether I enjoy it or not is besides the fact! You can't just court Gwen while sleeping with another woman!" She was borderline angry now.

"Look, it doesn't mean I like Gwen any less because I'm sleeping with you!" his voice rising as he stood, "It means that both you and I want unattached sex!"

Merlin was inches away from smacking Arthur round the head for how he was treating both her and Gwen. She was angry at herself for letting him believe that she was only angry because of how he treated Gwen, but not because of how he treated her. She was just angry in general.

Arthur began to walk away from her, but she reached out and grabbed his arm. He turned back towards her and barely deflected the blow that she aimed at his face, swiping her hand out of the way.

"That's not very nice, Merlin," he said, as if he was talking to a child.

"You're not very nice!" she countered, and then bit her lip realizing how immature that sounded.

Their faces were inches apart, their bodies almost pressing up against each other. With a frustrated grunt, Merlin released Arthur's arm and stormed out of the room, leaving Arthur standing in a daze.

She stomped all the way back to her own room, where she slammed the door and punched her pillow. Stupid, stupid man, she thought. Stupid, stupid Merlin.

For three days, she avoided Arthur completely, and for three days she was absolutely miserable. On the fourth day, Gaius informed her that the King requested her presence immediately.

"I don't want to go," she grumbled, turning away from Gaius.

"You don't have a choice," he told her, and she huffed, but went.

Arthur was looking out the window, a concerned expression on his face when she arrived. Since she didn't really have anything to say to him, she stood in silence and waited to be addressed.

"Ah, Merlin," he said, an expression that almost looked like relief crossing his face when he saw her, "I'm glad you've come."

She didn't say anything.

"I'd like to apologize for the way that I behaved the other day," he began, "I shouldn't have reacted to you the way that I did. I didn't articulate myself as well as I would have liked."

"Oh?"

"Yes."

"And how would you have articulated yourself better?"

"What I meant to say was that although yes, I do love Gwen," Merlin felt a pang in her chest, "Proper courting etiquette does not allow for a full relationship until marriage. Gwen is a woman who very much values these sort of things, and I wouldn't dream of making her give them up. However, as you may know, I do enjoy sex a bit, and rather than pay whores or take advantage as my position as king, a non-romantic, yet still sexual relationship with you seems the perfect solution. I enjoy your company and value your friendship, and you seem to enjoy our little escapades quite immensely, if I do say so myself. I never meant to do something that would hurt Gwen, you must know that."

Arthur looked at Merlin pleadingly.

He still had it wrong, of course, about why Merlin was upset, and his justification of their 'relationship' was a terrible excuse of an explanation, which was why both of them were a little surprised as Merlin shoved him back against the wall, pressing her body against his.

There was definitely still some anger there, as she mashed her lips to his, biting his lower lip in a not quite so gentle way. Fumblingly, she undid his pants and tugged at his growing erection. His mouth latched on to her neck, hands trailing down her back. Without warning, he lifted her off the ground and spun them around, so that her back was now to the wall. Pulling her dress up and her panties down, Merlin wrapped her legs around Arthur, her hips grinding against his. His erection was hard in her hand, and Merlin needed him. He gripped her butt tightly and slid into her, pushing her back against the wall. She balled his shirt in her hands and clenched her teeth. Hot sweat was beginning to appear on Arthur's face as he slammed into her again and again. Merlin was livid as they slid from the wall down into a chair, where she was sitting on Arthur's lap, tight around his cock. She leaned back as they rocked together, Arthur's hands tight on her lower back, massaging incoherent patterns on her pale skin. Ecstasy ripped through her body, shaking her, driving all thoughts from her head except for one:

This really wasn't fair at all.

The campfire was crackling, fighting off the fierce night wind. Merlin was huddled with the knights, blowing on her rather blue knuckles. They were being especially kind to her, for how they had treated her over the past few days. The incident with the Lamia had left them all a little shaken, and Merlin a little bitter. Her eyes rested on Arthur, who was cupping Gwen's hands in his as they sat close together. The way that he had wrapped his arms around Gwen when they had been rescued, but had only given Merlin a pat on the back and a joking remark had hurt. Later, as she watched the two of them whisper, Merlin replayed the moment in her head, watching the relief that spread across Arthur's face as he saw Gwen alive. She wished that the same expression had crossed his face when he had greeted Merlin, but it hadn't. All she had got was an "It's almost good to see you, Merlin," and a quick squeeze of the shoulder and then his attention was back on Gwen, making sure that she was alright.

And maybe it was because Arthur knew that Merlin was tougher than she looked, that she had faced death down more than once and walked away, but maybe, Merlin thought, it was because he didn't care enough about her. Which was absurd, she reminded herself, thinking of all the times Arthur had done something ridiculous to ensure her safety, but that's what it felt like: like he didn't care.

When morning came, Merlin was stiff from sleeping on the cold ground, with Gwaine's elbows awkwardly sticking into her neck. Gwen was curled into Arthur's body and his arms were around her, protective in his sleep. She glanced down at her dirt caked fingernails and thought that it was no wonder Arthur picked Gwen over her. Even after the whole ordeal, Gwen was still beautiful, and Merlin just looked tired.

On the ride back, Gwen sat perched in front of Arthur on his horse, leaning back into him as they talked. Merlin rode by herself.

That night was a lonely one, when they were back in Camelot. Merlin couldn't tell which was worse, lying in bed alone and feeling unloved, or sharing Arthur's bed and letting herself be used. No matter what she did, she ended up crying silently, her body shaking with the sobs.

For two weeks after the Lamia incident, she managed to stay away from Arthur when she didn't have to be around him. Merlin would wake him in the morning and escort him through the day as he did his duties as king, and bring him dinner at night, praying that there wouldn't be a moment where they were alone and unoccupied with their duties.

It was a quiet evening, with Arthur sitting serenely at his table, contemplating something unknown to Merlin. Sensing that she was no longer needed there, Merlin bid him good night, and turned to leave the room.

"Wait," Arthur said softly, "Please stay."

There was something there, behind his voice that made Merlin turn around, a sort of quiet urgency. Merlin stayed where she was, and Arthur got up. She crossed and uncrossed her fingers nervously. He stopped about a foot away from her, and reached out, brushing a lock of hair out of her face.

"Merlin," he whispered, and if she hadn't know better, she would have thought that he was sad.

He cupped his hand behind her head and kissed her lightly. Merlin felt her pulse quicken and thought for a moment if she should leave and save herself from the inevitable torture she would put herself through later, but the way his hands were soft and warm on her body made her stay. Arthur tugged her dress off and lowered her gently back onto his bed. Merlin stared up at him, heart pounding as he undressed himself. The kisses he placed down her body were carefully placed, well thought out and precise. Each one made Merlin a little more wet with anticipation as he worked his way down her body. He planted a kiss on either side of her hips and then nuzzled her legs apart. His breath tickled a little and Merlin almost giggled. Arthur thrust his fingers inside of her, at the same time swirling his tongue over her clit. Her hands flew to his head, gripping his hair tightly in her fingers.

"Arthur," she breathed, unable to take her eyes off of where his head was between her legs.

Merlin tried to focus, but the way she could feel Arthur's tongue sliding over her was making it very difficult, and she bit back cries of pleasure.

"Need you, Arthur," was all she could manage as he licked excruciatingly at her, "Need you."

There was a moment between when Arthur slid onto the bed and when he guided himself into her that Merlin thought vaguely that this might have been a bad idea, but then it was gone and all that mattered was Arthur, glorious and strong and uncharacteristically gentle, right above her. They moved together in a slow rhythm, Merlin's fingers grasping at Arthur's back. There were no words for how it felt, Arthur's body pressed to hers, inside of hers, part of hers, needing hers. For what seemed like days they moved like that, in time with one another, until finally Arthur came, Merlin's name on his tongue, releasing himself inside of her.

There was a span of about two minutes in which they simply lay there, exhausted, before the door to Arthur's room burst open. Eyes still hazy with lust, Merlin could see only the black clad figure and didn't know who it was until they spoke.

"Sire, I've been-" Agravaine cut off, eyes falling on Arthur and Merlin, naked and sweaty on the bedsheets.

With a squeak, Merlin dove off the bed and snatched her dress up. Cheeks burning, she stuffed it over her head, and did it up in the back. Arthur was still sitting on the bed, watching the scene unfold before him. When Merlin was dressed, he finally spoke, slowly and deliberately.

"Uncle, you will speak of this to no one," his eyes were serious and narrow.

"Of course, Sire."

Merlin could see that he was barely able to contain his glee at his discovery.

"Now, Sire, if you would dress yourself, we have matters to discuss," Agravaine said, ignoring Merlin.

Arthur caught her eye, and looked at her apologetically. He nodded slightly, as if saying it was alright for her to go. Merlin turned on her heel and fled the room as swiftly as she could.

Her cheeks burned with embarrassment as she sped down the hallways back to her own room, praying that she would not meet anyone. Of all the people to discover her in bed with Arthur, Agravaine was probably the worst, after Gwen. She knew that he wouldn't keep the information secret, of course. As soon as he could, she knew that Agravaine would be off to Morgana, giddy with delight. What Morgana would do with that information, she had no idea, but nothing good could come of it.

Glad that Gaius wasn't there, Merlin crawled into bed still fully dressed. Nothing good could come of this, she repeated to herself, nothing good.

* * *

ooooooooh Agravaine all up in everything, ruining everything as usual!

Thanks for reading, reviews are very much appreciated!


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Five  
**

For the third time that week, Merlin was overwhelmed by the urge to vomit, and ran blindly from her bed to heave up the contents of her stomach. Spitting the last bit of it up, Merlin moaned with despair. She knew the signs; she was pregnant. She was pregnant and Arthur Pendragon was the father.

Merlin paced up and back in her room for three full hours. There were things that she could do to end this before it became a real problem, and she could do it safely because of her magic, but in the end she decided against it. She would have the child and raise it.

Before she could talk herself out of it, Merlin made her way to Arthur's chambers, determined to tell him about his child. She pushed open the door to his room with purpose, already forming the words in her mouth when she stopped short.

"I'm going to propose to Guinevere, Agravaine, and there is nothing that you can say to convince me otherwise," Arthur was speaking.

Suddenly, Merlin had an urge to vomit that had nothing to do with pregnancy.

"I see," sighed Agravaine, sounding resigned.

Merlin stepped fully into the room as Agravaine left, giving her a searching look.

"Ah! Merlin!" said Arthur, "I was just wondering where you were."

She looked into his face, unable to meet his eyes. There was no way that she could tell him now, not with that new information.

"I wish you had told me," she mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I should have told you" he admitted.

Just tell him, she screamed at herself. Just tell him you're pregnant and you love him and just tell him you stupid, silly girl.

"Of course, this means that we can no longer continue our...other...relationship," he continued, "If she says yes, that it."

"Of course she'll say yes," Merlin's eyes were burning.

It all made sense now, how tender and gentle he had been with her all those weeks ago. It had been their last time together, and he had wanted to make it special. Somehow, that made everything worse.

"I'm proposing tonight," he told her, "If you could help me set up her house for it while she is working, that'd be wonderful."

"Sure," she said shortly.

"Thank you!" he smiled at her warmly.

While Arthur was out collecting Gwen for the evening, Merlin stole into her house, where she strategically placed all the candles that Arthur had relegated for the occasion. Since Arthur didn't always think things through, it being a wooden house and candles having fire, Merlin put a spell on them so that if they knocked over, they wouldn't burn the whole place down. As much as she didn't want the two of them to get married, she didn't want them to be burned to a crisp either.

After the last candle had been lit, Merlin waited outside the house, hiding in the shadows and waited. Before long, Arthur walked down the road, guiding a blindfolded Gwen into the house.

There wasn't much that she could hear of the exchange, but it was fairly obvious that Guinevere had said yes, as when Merlin peered inside, she had her arms thrown about Arthur's neck. Hot tears leaked from Merlin's eyes and she had to clasp a hand over her mouth so that she wouldn't let out an ugly sob. She turned from the scene before her and ran. She would do this on her own, without him. She didn't need Arthur anyways.

As Merlin walked into her home, she hoped and prayed that Gaius wouldn't be there, that she wouldn't have to explain the tears. As always, Merlin had no such luck.

"Whatever is the matter, Merlin?" Gaius asked in an alarmed tone.

"Nothing," she blubbered.

"Oh this is nothing then?" he pulled her into a tight hug, "What's wrong my dear girl?"

With a violent sob, Merlin let it all out in one breath.

"I'm pregnant and Arthur's the father and he's proposed to Gwen and she's said yes and they're getting married and-" she broke off, sobs overtaking her again.

There was a moment of stunned silence as Gaius took all that information in. When he had processed it, he stroked her hair and shushed her in a soothing voice.

"You're alright, Merlin, you're perfectly fine. Have you told Arthur?"

"No!" she looked wildly at Gaius, "Arthur mustn't know, ever!"

"Merlin..."

"Promise me you won't tell! Promise me!"

Gaius sighed.

"I promise you Merlin, I will not breath a word of this to Arthur."

Relief flooded her body. Things would be so much less complicated if he didn't know.

"What are you going to do, Merlin?" Gaius studied her face.

"I don't know," she muttered, "Leave, maybe?"

Gaius nodded.

"I wish it were not so, but I understand," he sounded tired, "I will not make you stay here in a position that you find uncomfortable."

"I'll leave as soon as possible, then," Merlin stated, regaining her composure.

She felt Gaius's eyes on her back as she walked away into her room. She could feel their sadness, and she let it overwhelm her. Sinking back onto the bed, she placed her hands gently on her abdomen, and thought with terror of how her body would soon begin to change, and how alone she would be.

In the early hours of the morning, Merlin packed. She packed everything she owned, which wasn't much, and set it by the door. Gaius was still asleep, and she still had her duties to attend to before she left.

The halls were deserted and it crossed Merlin's mind that this would be the last time in her life that she would bring Arthur his breakfast and force him out of bed. She expected the kitchens to be empty too, but to her surprise, she found Gwen, of all people, sitting at a table and eating breakfast.

"Good morning, Gwen," she said, trying to push her mouth into a smile.

Gwen looked up at her, a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Good morning, Merlin," she sighed.

"Congratulations," Merlin forced out, "You will make a great queen."

And she meant that bit. Gwen was good, and kind, and smart, and she knew the people. She would be a perfect queen to rule beside Arthur.

"Thank you," Gwen said sincerely.

"When's the wedding?" Merlin couldn't help but ask.

"Arthur wanted it to be right away, but I said no. I want to wait a few more months, so we can plan it out better and give my family that lives farther away time to get here. And also just to get used to the idea that I'll be married to the King," Gwen looked like she was still in shock, "You'll be my maid of honor, of course."

Merlin felt a twinge in her chest.

"And oh, the wedding night! I've never been with a man before," she explained, flushing, "Almost, once with Lancelot, but he said that it wasn't proper," she looked a little sad.

"I'm sure Arthur will be very gentle with you," Merlin assured Gwen, "He loves you very much."

Gwen smiled at her. Merlin supposed that she'd have to tell Gwen that she was going away.

"I don't mean to put a damper on your big day," she said, "But I received a letter from Ealdor last night, and I have to go home. My mother is very ill, and I don't know how long I'll be away."

Gwen's face fell.

"Oh no!"

"I don't know if I'll even be able to make it back for the wedding, but send word when you've decided on a date."

Lies. She wouldn't come back for the wedding. If it had been soon, then she might have, but in a few months it would be impossible to hide her condition. Gwen stood up and wrapped her arms around Merlin in a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin," she whispered, "I understand completely. I really hope you can make it, though, and that Hunith is alright."

There were tears in Gwen's eyes, and Merlin had to get out of there before she started crying. If Gwen started to cry, there was no way she could keep the lie up.

"I'll miss you so much Gwen, and if I don't see you before the wedding, I wish you the very best of luck," she looked into Gwen's face, biting back tears of her own, "I'm going to wake Arthur, and say goodbye to him, and then I'm leaving."

Gwen released Merlin from her grasp.

"Goodbye, Merlin," her voice was quivering.

"Goodbye, Gwen."

She left the future queen of Camelot standing in the kitchen.

Her feet were heavy as she walked to Arthur's room. For the last time, she opened the door to his room, and for the last time she gazed at his sleeping face. His face was pressed slightly into the pillow that his arms were wrapped around, and his lips were slightly open. Merlin counted the soft breaths that he took.

Gently, she reached down and shook him. "Arthur," she whispered, rather than shouting like she normally did, "Arthur, wake up."

His eyes fluttered open, wide and blue.

"I've got your breakfast," she told him as he sat up, hair sticking up at all sorts of angles.

As he ate, Merlin squirmed.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked, not catching the movement of her hands from her sides to her stomach.

"Nothing, well, yes, something," she stammered.

He looked at her expectantly.

"Do tell," he prompted, raising his eyebrows.

She took a deep breath.

"My mother, she's ill, very ill. I have to go back to Ealdor to take care of her," she told him, the lie burning her mouth.

Arthur frowned but didn't look too bothered.

"When will you be back?" he asked, taking another bite of his breakfast.

Merlin paused.

"Well, you see, that's the thing; I don't know when I'll be back. It could be months," she said, "I don't know if I'll even be back in time for the wedding."

"Oh," Arthur said, "I understand."

Merlin didn't know what she had been hoping for. A tearful admission that he was in love with her? For him to get down on his knees and beg her to stay? What stupid, wishful thinking, she chided herself.

"So, goodbye then," Merlin said awkwardly.

"Bye, Merlin," Arthur said, "I hope that Hunith is alright."

And then Merlin left, just walked out of the room and out of Arthur's life. For something that had sounded so difficult, all it really took was a few steps and a lie, and then she was gone.

Her goodbye with Gaius was a quiet one, and Merlin managed to not shed any tears until she was mounted on her horse and ready to go. Only once she was no longer inside of the city did she let herself cry the tears that she needed to.

She tried not to think too much about all the times that she had ridden down the very same road with Arthur and the knights, who, she thought with a pang, she hadn't said goodbye to. She hoped that they would forgive her, but she understood if they didn't. It was the weather, in the end, that got her the most. As she sat there on her horse, feeling as if the world itself was trying to tear her apart, the sky was a brilliant blue, dotted with a few puffy white clouds, and a calm breeze floated through the air. How could everything look so perfect when her world was falling down around her?

Every so often, she thought about turning back, running through the castle and confessing everything, but reminded herself that it would do no good. Even if he was not in love with Gwen, how could Merlin expect him to love a child that had magic, as hers surely would? He would never have the child killed, of course; Arthur was not Uther, but Merlin refused to subject her child to a life in which their father hated that which was intrinsically part of them. Ealdor was a much safer place to grow up.

Before she knew it, Merlin had arrived in Ealdor. Merlin had faced monsters and death more times than she could count, but the idea of telling Hunith what had happened, as she most certainly had to, was terrifying beyond imagination. It was early evening, and she knew that Hunith would be eating dinner right about then, and grimaced. Interrupting someone's meal to tell them something that they did not want to hear was never a good idea. She knocked on the door.

Hunith opened it and her jaw dropped in shock at her daughter standing before her.

"Hello, mum," Merlin said, smiling as much as she could.

"Merlin!" Hunith exclaimed, "What on Earth are you doing here? What's happened?"

The moment of truth, Merlin thought.

"I'm pregnant," she said flatly, looking at the ground.

"Pregnant? Oh my god, Merlin, by who?"

"Arthur," Merlin mumbled, trying to keep her composure.

Hunith was indignant.

"And he just kicked you out? Like that? My god, I was under the notion that the boy actually cared for you! And he just turned you!"

Her cheeks were red with rage as she ushered Merlin into the house.

"He doesn't know," Merlin said quietly.

"He doesn't know?" Hunith repeated, narrowing her eyes at Merlin.

"No, I didn't tell him and I don't plan on telling him. Ever," Merlin snapped bitterly.

"And why not?" Hunith's hands were on her hips.

"Because he is engaged to be married and who am I to ruin his and Gwen's happiness?"

"You are the mother of his child!" Hunith shouted, "You cannot keep this from him, nor can you keep it from the child!"

Merlin collapsed onto the bed, head in her hands. Her body shook with sobs. Hunith sunk down next to her.

"Shh, Merlin, I didn't mean to shout," Hunith cooed, stroking her daughter's hair, "I just care so much about you, and I cannot believe that if Arthur knew he would just let you go."

Merlin pressed her face into her mother's shoulder.

"But that's exactly it," she moaned, "If he knew, it would ruin everything for him, and for Gwen."

"But he loves you, Merlin, I'm sure of it," Hunith said confidently.

"No, he doesn't. He loves Gwen; he cares for me," Merlin wiped her nose on her sleeve, "This didn't happen because he loves me. It happened because he needed and outlet, and I was there and willing."

Hunith's arms were tight around Merlin, cradling her daughter as if she was once again a child.

"But you love him," Hunith stated quietly. "What I feel doesn't matter."

"But it does, Merlin. It does."

* * *

thanks for reading! Review if you like!


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Six  
**

When morning came, Merlin didn't know where she was at first. As she looked around, she remembered the events of the day before, and arriving in Ealdor. She remembered Hunith shouting, not that she blamed her. Then she realized that she was in Hunith's bed, and that her mother was sleeping on the floor. As if she didn't feel terrible enough already.

Delicately, Merlin tiptoed through the house and out the front door. The morning was cool and there was a slight breeze that blew her hair about her face. Unconsciously, her feet brought her to the old oak tree where she and Will used to play as children, hiding up in its branches. There was something new beneath its shade, she noticed.

It was a small stone slab, with only one word carved cleanly into it. A name.

Will.

Of course, he wasn't buried there; he had been cremated, like everyone else in Ealdor, but the plaque was a small reminder of Will's sacrifice to protect Ealdor, to protect Arthur.

Merlin sat down next the the slab, leaning back against the tree.

"Hello, Will," she whispered, wondering if somewhere, he could hear her, "I've gotten myself into such a mess."

She rubbed her fingers on the edges of the stone, as if it could bring her closer to her friend.

"My life would have been so much easier if I had never left Ealdor, and stayed here to grow old with you," she sighed, "But I didn't, and now you're gone forever, but I can never leave here. Not now. You'd be so angry if you were here right now. You'd probably regret saving Arthur all that time ago," she sniffled a little, remembering that awful day, "God, Will, I miss you."

Merlin stroked her abdomen, which didn't show any signs of pregnancy.

"Merlin."

She jumped up.

"Oh, mum, you scared me!" she breathed, seeing that it was only Hunith standing next to her.

She looked tired, and she was smiling sadly at Merlin.

"I just wanted to talk to you. I know that I reacted badly last night, and I'm sorry. It was just such a... shock," Hunith took a deep breath, "And even though I don't support you running away from this, I promise you that you can stay here and I won't breathe a word about the father of your child. I'll be here for you, darling. I love you so much."

And there wasn't really anything that Merlin could say to her, so she just hugged her mother, hard and close.

* * *

At first, Arthur couldn't put his finger on exactly what was wrong with the picture before him. Everything was in its proper place, his breakfast was on the table, steaming and ready to be devoured, his clothing for the day was laid out for him nice and neatly and his shoes were shined to perfection. When he thought about it, it was probably the shoes that gave it away. Merlin never shined his shoes satisfactorily. The second, and probably more obvious clue was the man standing to attention at the foot of his bed, waiting for Arthur to wake up. Arthur groaned internally. It was George. Merlin had better hurry back soon, he thought, because he could only take so much of that man.

"Good morning, Sire," George said, bowing rigidly.

"Good morning," Arthur replied, and climbed out of bed.

He ate his breakfast in silence while George tried to avoid any sort of eye contact at all. Which was probably a good thing, since Arthur really had no idea what to say to him at all. When he was done, instead of dragging Merlin off by the shoulder to training, he handed his plate to George, who took it with great honor. Arthur sighed. It was going to be a boring couple of weeks until Merlin got back.

Except it wasn't a couple of weeks until Merlin got back. When Arthur finally figured to count, she had been gone for two months, and hadn't sent any word of how she or her mother were doing. A little annoyed at how long she was away, and hurt that she didn't think to write to her friends, Arthur made his way one day to Gaius's, to see if the physician had any news of his servant.

"Hello, Sire. What can I do for you today?" Gaius looked up from the dusty old volume that he was studying.

"Has Merlin written to you at all to give any idea as to when she'll be back?" Arthur asked.

"No, Sire. She did say not to expect her," Gaius informed him, "Why do you ask?"

"Because George is hideously boring and not at all fun to taunt. He doesn't have quite the temperament for such things."

And Arthur was lonely. He missed having someone to talk to about everything that was on his mind.

"I'm sure he's ten times the servant that Merlin was," Gaius consoled, "And that he doesn't seem to attract the same amount of trouble that Merlin always did."

Arthur frowned.

"You're speaking about her in the past tense, Gaius. She's just gone to Ealdor for a while; it's not as if we'll never see her again."

A strange look crossed Gaius's face, and it bothered Arthur very deeply.

"What did you say that Hunith was ill with, again?" he asked Gaius slowly.

"Merlin didn't say. Only that it was serious," Gaius told him.

"Oh."

"If George isn't quite the conversationalist that Merlin was- err- is, why don't you talk to Guinevere? As you two are to be married, you can surely talk to her about anything."

Arthur bit his lip. He had tried to talk to Gwen about the things that flooded through his mind, and she was great. She told him when she thought he was wrong, and supported his decisions, but there was never that carefree closeness that there was with Merlin. It was as if Gwen was always afraid she'd said the wrong thing, apologizing for her thoughts, which was the opposite of what Arthur wanted.

If he was being honest with himself, he missed the other part of his and Merlin's relationship too, although her coming back wouldn't really do anything to fix that.

"I think I'll just go train with the knights," he said finally, and nodded goodbye to Gaius, who stood frowning after Arthur as he left.

And so he fell into a routine.

Wake up, awkward breakfast with George, hold council with Agravaine, train with the knights, lunch with Gwen, hold council with Agravaine again, and seek out Gaius for any word from Merlin.

There was never any word from Merlin.

Arthur could get by without her most days. It was when he was away on diplomatic business, or out overseeing his kingdom that he missed her company the most. There was no comfortable silence with Agravaine, or even with Gwen, who was always trying to make sure that Arthur wasn't bored. And it tired him out, not being able to relax around anyone. All he wanted was for the wedding to hurry up and get there, and for Merlin to hurry up and get back.

Three months after Merlin's departure, Arthur found himself alone in his room, tired from a day arguing with unruly lords and avoiding George. He flopped back on his bed and let out a big breath. It had been four empty months since the last time he had been with a woman, and although he was quite capable of pleasuring himself, there was something bothering him that stopped him from getting full enjoyment out of his fantasies.

As he lay there and tugged at his hard cock, he imagined Guinevere there with him, her delicate hands wrapped around his erection. In his minds eye, he imagined laying her down, his hands and mouth all over her full, dark breasts, sucking on her nipples, pinching them between his fingers. He imagined sliding into her virgin body, slowly building up a rhythm as her body got used to the new sensation. And as he came in a messy moment of choked cries and smothered moans, Arthur imagined Merlin's face.

It wasn't fair how now that he couldn't have her, she chose to invade his thoughts and dreams. She never had before.

* * *

As Arthur lamented over not picturing the right person when he came, Merlin spent her days helping Hunith around the house, and trying not to think of how her child would never be allowed to know their father. It wasn't that kings didn't have bastard children; Merlin knew that they did, and sometimes, like Uther, they even kept them nearby and in their care. She shuddered. No child of hers would ever grow up somewhere that they were treated as Morgana had been by Uther. Not that she thought that Arthur would ever act as his father had. She just wanted her child to know that they were loved.

Four months pregnant, Merlin stood before the cracked old mirror that rested against the wall in her home. Hunith was gone for the day, helping a neighbor with her children. It was still strange to see her rounded. She hadn't yet grown too great, but the curved protrusion of her belly was noticeable, and she was beginning to get disapproving looks from the other villagers. They had all had their suspicions when she had turned up out of the blue, but no one had dared ask her about it, and she didn't bother to tell any of them. They would have their proof soon enough.

Merlin rubbed her hands across her swollen abdomen. It still amazed her every day when she thought about the fact that what would become a person was growing inside of her. She wondered if the baby's hair would be dark like hers or gold like Arthur's. Dark would be better. People would talk anyways, but they would talk even more if the child had light hair. The last thing that Merlin wanted was a rumor floating around the kingdom that King Arthur had a bastard child. Not only would it be bad for him as a king, she didn't want him to get suspicious and investigate the truth of the rumor.

She sighed. And if the baby was blond, it would remind her of Arthur even more, not that she ever forgot about him. Merlin would never, ever be able to forget about Arthur, no matter how much she sometimes wanted to. Sometimes, just the thought of him made her ache all over, and she regretted ever leaving Camelot. Sometimes, she was glad to be rid of him.

A month before, a local girl had gotten married to a boy from the next village down the road. It had been a lively affair with much music and dancing and laughter. Merlin had found herself enjoying it, and the company of a handsome young man with the groom's party. His face was dark from the sun and his nose had been sprinkled with freckles, and Merlin had let him dance with her, spinning her about in time with the music. When the song had ended, they sat together and they talked for a long time, until the party was nearly over. He had walked with her back home, and kissed her chastely on the lips, and for some reason, the only thing that Merlin had felt was sadness. The boy would come to call again in a few weeks, see Merlin's pregnant belly and call her a whore, or just leave with big, doleful eyes.

"You shouldn't deny yourself happiness, you know," Hunith said when she returned from their neighbor's, observing the forlorn look on Merlin's face, "Just because you can't be with Arthur doesn't mean that you can't find someone else just as wonderful. And considering how you've been treated by Arthur, he isn't all that wonderful."

Merlin bit the inside of her cheek. Arthur wasn't a horrible person, she reminded herself constantly. He was just impossibly thick. As much as she was angry at him, she never blamed him as much as she blamed herself, which drove Hunith insane.

"What about that boy, the one from the wedding?" Hunith pressed, joining Merlin by the mirror. "If I ever see him again, he will take one look at me and run. No one wants to touch the village whore," Merlin said spitefully.

Hunith frowned.

"You are not the village whore, Merlin, and you will not refer to yourself as such, even if you're joking," she said sternly, "And you don't know how the boy would react."

"Yes, because I don't know him at all!" Merlin's voice was strained, "As if any man would want to stick around and play father to another man's child."

"I never said anything about marrying him. You just need a friend."

And she was right. Merlin had no friends in Ealdor. Always the odd child, Will had been the only person she had been close to, and now the only way for her to be close to him was to lie down beneath the oak tree and listen to the wind. Life was lonely for Merlin, her only real companionship being her mother, and if she was really desperate, the child in her womb. Bitterly, she thought of Arthur, surrounded by his friends and servants and subjects, and how his life lacked the emptiness that hers was filled with.

And yet Merlin was wrong. Arthur was surrounded by people, but not by friends. Sure, there were a few, but on the whole he was leading a lonely existence. Something would happen and he would look over his shoulder to make a funny remark about it to Merlin, but no one was there and he would just have to laugh with himself. Eventually, he just stopped making the jokes altogether. Life was cold and lonely, like his room, which lacked the warmth that it had had when it was full of laughter.

Sometimes he wondered if Merlin was ever coming back. After considering it for a good long while, Arthur had come to the conclusion that his misery was due to absence of his servant and best friend. His best friend. When had Merlin become his best friend? The better question, he thought, was when had Merlin not been his best friend? She had been loyal to him from the day she began serving him, and although they didn't get along all the time, there had been a mutual affection and care that had grown between them. A friendship. His best friendship. His only real friendship. And she had just rode off, leaving him with only a goodbye and a ghost of a promise.

Arthur didn't begrudge her leaving, of course. Hunith was a wonderful woman and he wished her all the best health, and it was Merlin's duty to take care of her family. But she had been gone six months and she hadn't written a word. Nothing. He had long since resigned himself to George's ridiculousness, slowly giving up hope of ever seeing Merlin again.

But then, he told himself, maybe he was being melodramatic. It had only been six months, and if Hunith was very ill, she wouldn't be better in just a few weeks. Six months and he was miserable like a child who had lost his favorite toy. Except that Merlin wasn't a toy; she was his friend, truly, and he missed her dearly.

* * *

thank you for reading! Reviews appreciated 3


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Seven  
**

To counter the melancholy that had gripped his life, Arthur decided one fine day to take Guinevere out for a ride. It was two weeks until the wedding, and he had made sure that an invitation had been sent to Ealdor. There had been no response.

Arthur announced to Agravaine that he was taking Gwen out, and if he could kindly take care of things with the council, it would be much appreciated.

"It would be my pleasure," Agravaine said, his lips curling into a smile.

Two hours later, they set off.

They rode side by side, chatting idly about things that didn't really matter, and occasionally about the wedding. "I'm worried that they won't be able to make it in time," Gwen said of her aunt and uncle who lived far away, "They're the only blood relations that I have left, other than Elyan, of course, and I'd like for them to be there."

"I'm sure that they'll make it in time," Arthur replied.

As they rode around the bend at the foot of a hill, there was a furious gust of wind that sent both of them flying off their horses. There was no natural wind that strong, Arthur knew, and looked around for the source of whatever magic had just been used against them. The two of them struggled to their feet, rubbing their sore bodies. "Stay close," Arthur told Gwen, and she listened, hovering near his side.

Descending from the hill, Arthur saw the woman who had been haunting his nightmares for the last year. It was Morgana, dressed in a green so dark it was almost black. There was a sort of feral beauty about her, very different from the refined elegance she had always possessed when Arthur had known her.

"Morgana," he growled, unsure of what to say.

He had thought that she was his friend. What did one say when so gravely mistaken?

Morgana smirked, and said nothing that Arthur could understand. Her eyes glowed as she spoke, and Arthur felt a heaviness in his wrists. Looking down at them, he saw them clad in iron, attached by a chain to an identical pair on Gwen's wrists. Morgana snapped her fingers and they were pulled forward by the chain.

"Let us go!" cried Gwen angrily, glaring at Morgana.

"I'm afraid that I can't do that," Morgana pouted, "So if you'll come with me..."

Arthur and Gwen were dragged by their chains to a small and cramped cave. It was empty except for a stone basin, full of water. The water was so smooth and still that it almost looked like glass.

"Come here," Morgana ordered, and rather than be manhandled by her magic once again, they walked to her of their own accord.

"Now Arthur, I know you know somewhat of our Gwen's relationship with your good man Lancelot," Morgana began.

"I'm not 'your' Gwen!" protested Guinevere.

"But I don't know if you know the extent to which their relationship progressed," Morgana continued, as if she hadn't heard Gwen.

"I don't have any idea what you're talking about," said Arthur blankly, and Morgana began stirring the still water with her finger.

In the basin, a dark image of Gwen and Lancelot, intertwined on the ground, appeared. Lancelot was was gently caressing her breast with one hand, and sliding a hand the inside of her thigh with the other.

"This is enough!" shouted Gwen, "You know just as well as I that this is as far as it ever went, Morgana!"

Morgana didn't look bothered.

"I wonder, then, if you Gwen, know about Arthur's little secret."

Her lips quirked into a slight smile.

"What're you talking about Morgana?" Arthur demanded, praying that she wasn't talking about what he thought she was.

Without responding, Morgana swirled the water with her finger again, and the scene in it changed.

The scene before them now was familiar. It could have been any day really, but Arthur recognized the tenderness with which he touched Merlin, and the need with which the both reacted. He and Gwen watched as the scene played out. Arthur and Merlin lay there on the bed, exhausted and sweaty. Arthur remembered the heaviness that he had felt after they had finished, as if he had never wanted to get up again. They watched the two naked bodies, sprawled out on the bed, gasping for breath. It was slightly hypnotic.

When it was all over, and they could finally tear their eyes from the basin, Morgana wasn't there anymore and their chains had vanished.

There was silence between them, and Arthur listened to the quiet trickle of water somewhere in the back of the cave.

"We should go," Gwen said finally, and Arthur nodded in agreement.

They didn't speak the whole ride back to Camelot, and when Arthur tried to help Gwen down off of her horse, she shied away from him. Without speaking to him, Gwen strode off, leaving Arthur by himself in the courtyard. This was not supposed to have happened.

He had to go to her, and explain himself and his actions. There had been pain behind her eyes as she watched. This was all his fault.

Arthur found Gwen doing laundry. Her arms were submerged up to her elbows in soapy water as she violently scrubbed at dirty clothing. There was a look on her face as if she was trying to hold something huge prisoner within her, but it was about to escape, forcing its way out her mouth.

"Guinevere," he said softly, entering the room.

She didn't look up.

"I would like to apologize and explain my actions to you," he said stiffly.

"Oh?" Gwen turned to face him.

"I'm sincerely sorry that I've hurt you, Guinevere," there was an earnestness in his face that Gwen couldn't ignore, but she let hers remain stoic, "And I would like to explain to you about what it was that you saw."

Hands on her hips, Gwen tapped her foot lightly on the ground, waiting for Arthur's explanation.

"What you saw there, what I was doing," he began, "It was only ever physical. It meant nothing emotionally. It wasn't- we weren't lovers; it was only sex."

That sounded so much worse saying it out loud than it had in his head. In his head, it had sounded reasonable, forgivable, even. But now that he had said it, Arthur knew that it was a pathetic excuse.

"I can't believe you," murmured Gwen incredulously, "Do you honestly think that it was alright for you to do that?"

Arthur had no defense.

"No," he said honestly, "My behavior has been inexcusable."

Gwen glared at him.

"Yes. Yes it has," her voice was harsh, "And when you say that it meant nothing, I think that you're lying."

Lying? He hadn't been lying, Arthur thought.

"I was telling you the truth when I said that it meant nothing," he tried to assure her.

"No, you weren't," Gwen's eyes were sad, "Can you really think that it didn't? Being so intimate with your best friend? Of course it meant something, Arthur."

The way that Gwen was looking at him as if she pitied him was making Arthur extremely uncomfortable.

"No, it didn't. She was there and wanted to do it as well. The sex was just something that I needed."

"No, you needed Merlin," Gwen said quietly.

"No, I needed what she was able to give me," he replied quickly, "But I love you. I have only ever loved you."

Gwen sighed.

"You're not in love with me," Arthur began to protest, but she cut him off, "If you were, you would never have turned to Merlin, or anyone else for intimacy. You may love me, but you are not in love with me, and you never have been."

Arthur studied the laces on his boots, avoiding Gwen's sharp gaze. Was she right? Was he not really in love with her? And if he wasn't, how had he let himself come to believe that he was?

"There are plenty of women who would have you, Arthur, although I don't really think that you want them. But in any case, I don't think you should have trouble finding someone to be your queen."

She spoke in a frank tone that Arthur had never heard her use before. It seemed more real, unguarded, like Merlin in a way.

"I take this to mean that the wedding is off?" he asked stiffly.

"I rather think so," Gwen said drily.

"Oh."

"I will stay in Camelot, if that's alright with you. I don't have anywhere to go," the businesslike voice that she was speaking in seemed all wrong for the circumstances to Arthur.

"That's fine," he said, voice cracking.

"Good, now if you don't mind, I have work to do."

Arthur nodded and turned to leave. As he crossed the threshold, he thought that he heard a smothered cry, and almost turned around. But he didn't; Gwen didn't want to be around him, and rightly so. There was nothing he could do to undo how he had treated her. And if he could, would he? That would mean giving up all those nights with Merlin, her body so warm and inviting. Had it been worth losing Gwen?

No, he thought, it couldn't possibly have been, could it?

Yes, it could have. It was. But it didn't matter anymore, because Merlin was gone, and didn't seem to be coming back. Maybe he loved her, maybe he didn't. What did being in love feel like anyways? Arthur didn't know. Anyways, Merlin didn't love him; she couldn't possibly love him. She seemed to have abandoned him, and people don't just abandon those whom they love.

And that was how Arthur realized that Guinevere was right. If you love someone, then you stay, Arthur thought, and if he had really loved Gwen, he would have stayed and made things right. And she would have stayed and tried to work through it with him. But they didn't. They didn't stay, they weren't in love.

He just needed someone to stay.

* * *

Hope you liked it! Review if you want to!


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Eight  
**

Snow began to fall during the seventh month of Merlin's pregnancy. A thick layer of it covered the ground in Ealdor, and the trees, which had lost all of there leaves, stood out starkly against the white of the countryside. Merlin would have liked to wander and observe the wintry beauty of it all, but Hunith put her foot down.

"You'll catch your death if you go out there!" Hunith said, crossing her arms at Merlin.

"I'll be fine!" Merlin insisted, "Really."

"I'll not have you getting sick and losing the baby. I would like to be a grandmother, you know."

Grudgingly, Merlin had listened and stayed in the house, tucked up beneath layers of blankets. Hunith's attitude towards Merlin's pregnancy had changed remarkably over the months. Her initial anger had worn off with the shock, and slowly, she had acclimated herself to the idea of becoming a grandparent. In fact, as the pregnancy progressed into its final stages, Merlin found that her mother was growing more and more excited with each day. At least her child would not be lacking in maternal figures, she thought. Father figures, on the other hand, were not so numerous. In fact, there weren't any at all.

A child didn't need a father to grow up strong and smart. Merlin knew that all too well. She also knew that one day, her baby would grow up and start asking questions, questions that she couldn't answer. To tell them that they were the son or daughter of the king, but that he could never know of their existence would be cruel. And so a lie would be born, just another in the messy web of falsehoods that Merlin had spun over the years. It wouldn't be fair, she knew that, but what else could she do?

The fire crackled, and pulled the covers closer around her. It was warm inside the house and she could hear the wind howling bitterly outside in the night. Hunith sat at the table sewing baby clothes. If nothing else, Merlin reflected, her baby would have an extensive wardrobe. There was a pile of tiny clothes in one corner of the house, waiting to be worn. Merlin's old cradle had been dragged out as well. It was plain and a little shabby, but it would do. Nothing like the one that a baby growing up in court would have, Merlin thought, but chided herself for being bitter.

Arthur and Gwen were happily married by now, probably with a baby of their own on the way. It would be a beautiful baby, with two loving parents and a court to be adored by.

Merlin rubbed her hands over her stomach. It wasn't that long before she was due. Soon, she would be a mother. She would be completely responsible for someone else's life, someone who was entirely dependent upon her. Sometimes, the thought of being so needed terrified her beyond belief.

Usually Merlin was able to keep unwanted thoughts of Camelot out of her mind during the day. During the night, however, as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to sleep, thoughts of Arthur crept back into her head. He lingered in her mind, forcing her to think of Camelot and the life that she had left behind. For hours, she would lie there, biting her hand so as to not wake Hunith with her crying. It was miserable and lonely and Merlin hoped that when the baby came, she would feel less alone.

* * *

Two months after the wedding had been called off, Arthur stood on the battlements, looking out over his snow covered kingdom. It was quite beautiful, in a harsh sort of way. A lot of things, he reflected, were beautiful in a harsh sort of way.

It had been a rough couple months since he and Guinevere had parted ways. Tensions had arisen with the knights when they had learned the reasons that he and Gwen had split up for. As her brother, Elyan couldn't help but be angry with Arthur, and he didn't blame the knight for it. He remained loyal of course, but their relationship was strained. The other knights, Arthur knew, were angry for two reasons, the first being his treatment of Guinevere, and the second being his treatment of Merlin. They were all fast friends with her, and Gwaine was convinced that Arthur had something to do with Merlin's absence. Arthur didn't know whether to believe him or not.

Even Gaius, who he counted as a true and loyal friend, seemed to have to force a smile whenever they talked. It would falter whenever Arthur mentioned Merlin.

Merlin.

It had been eight months since he had last seen her. Eight long months without her stupid jokes and absurd ideas. Eight months without a true friend.

It was horrible. It was agonizing. Every day was a battle, from the moment that he dragged himself from his bed to the moment that he finally fell asleep. Never had he known how badly it hurt to miss someone, a dull ache in his chest as he recalled Merlin's laugh. What he wouldn't give to have her back beside him, if only just to talk to her. Arthur missed her kisses too, though.

Every morning he sat in the council chambers and berated himself for ever letting her go. Hunith could have been brought to Camelot and tended to by Gaius. And Melrin could have remained.

You selfish, selfish man, he would scold himself after thinking that. Family always came first, no matter what.

Agravaine, it seemed, was the only person in Camelot who didn't seem terminally unhappy. In fact, sometimes, when he thought that Arthur wasn't looking, he looked positively gleeful. Maybe it was because Arthur was no longer going to marry Gwen. They had always been a match that Agravaine had disapproved of, and their splitting up must have come as a relief. The corners of his mouth were worked into a perpetual smirk, Arthur noticed. It was troublesome.

It was also troublesome to think about how Morgana had wrecked everything with Gwen. Well, that wasn't strictly true, he amended; he had wrecked everything with Gwen, but Morgana had been the one to catalyze the split. How had she known about him and Merlin? How had she known exactly where they would be? And why had she just let them go? She wanted Arthur off the throne, and she had had him at her mercy, so why hadn't she just killed him then? It would have been easy and it would have been quiet. His death would have left Camelot without a leader, perfect for Morgana to waltz in and take the throne. It didn't make any sense. She wanted him dead so badly, yet he was still alive.

Might as well have killed him, he thought morosely. He was so unhappy and alone that it physically hurt sometimes.

At night in bed Arthur would lie there, with what felt like a great weight crushing down on his chest. He had let the one person that mattered the most to him slip away silently, and there wasn't anything that he could do to get her back. Would she even want him, if he could get her back? He doubted it. If he had treated Gwen badly, he had treated Merlin worse. At the time, it hadn't seemed so bad to him. It was just sex. He wanted it, she wanted it, easy. There were no emotions involved with it, or so he had thought. He had Gwen and Merlin had... well, he didn't know who Merlin had, but she had to have had somebody. Or not. Really, he had no idea. They had never spoken about what they did, apart from that one time she brought it up in relation to his treatment of Gwen. Arthur had taken her silence on the subject to mean that it was just a thing that happened between them sometimes, nothing more.

But maybe, he thought, maybe it had meant something more to her. No, that was absurd. If it had, she would have said something. She wouldn't have been able to hide it. Nothing in anything that she had done or said betrayed any sort of romantic feelings towards him, and everyone knew that Merlin couldn't lie to save her life.

She wasn't in love with him. How could she have been if she had slept with him, and then returned to serving him as she always had, letting him court Gwen? No one could stand by and watch someone they love chase after someone else; the pain would kill them in the end, and Arthur knew that Merlin's self preservation skills, while not including lying, were top-notch.

Maybe Hunith would get better, and Merlin would return. Yes, Arthur thought, that was what he needed, Merlin to return to him, for better or for worse.

That night, as the windows were battered with rain, Arthur dreamed that he was far away. He was in a dark room, nervous for some reason, unknown to him. On edge, he listened in the dark, wondering where he was. Then, as if by magic, the world was filled with light, shining from every surface, blinding Arthur so that he stumbled to the floor. As he squeezed his eyes shut against the light, a cry filtered through the air. Somewhere, in a dazzlingly bright corner of Arthur's consciousness, a baby was crying.

* * *

A storm raged outside, the wind tearing at the thatched roof of the house, howling across the land. It was so loud that it almost drowned out the pained cries that were coming from Merlin, as she lay, legs spread, trying to bring her child into the world. An elderly midwife was there, as well as Hunith and another woman from the village.

"Come on, girl, push!" ordered the midwife sternly, and Merlin obeyed.

It hurt more than any pain Merlin had ever experienced and she pushed in the hopes that it would soon be over. It was cold in the room, but Merlin was sweating buckets, squeezing Hunith's hand as tightly as she could.

It was mid morning when the baby finally emerged into the world, and the rain had stopped. The world was quiet and Merlin was exhausted. While the midwife cleaned the baby up, Merlin dozed off, Hunith still holding her hand.

When she woke, the midwife was holding the crying baby, swaddled in a blue blanket that Hunith had knit. Blearily, Merlin sat up and gazed at the tiny body in the woman's arms, amazed. The old woman handed the child to her.

"It's a boy," she informed Merlin, who couldn't take her eyes off of the child.

The baby was wide awake, his cries subsiding as he looked up at Merlin with deep blue eyes. He had golden hair. Merlin gulped, tears of happiness sliding down her cheeks. He was beautiful, so very beautiful.

"What will you call him?" Hunith asked, eyes full of warmth as she looked at her grandson.

"Ailesh," said Merlin, gently cradling him to her body.

"That's a lovely name," remarked the woman from the village.

When Merlin was too tired to stay awake any longer, Hunith took Ailesh from her, and put her grandson in the cradle.

"You did wonderfully, Merlin," she whispered to her daughter, walking back to the bed, "I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks," mumbled Merlin, but her eyes were fluttering open and closed, and she drifted off into a deep sleep.

The two other women left, and Hunith sat in a chair next to the cradle, softly humming a lullaby. Ailesh yawned, his tiny mouth stretched open, and Hunith smiled. Soon, the child was asleep, just like his mother, and the sky, which had been so dark and stormy, was now a bright and brilliant blue.

* * *

hope you like the Merthur baby! Reviews always appreciated!


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Nine  
**

Merlin slept all through the night and woke early the next morning to a cloudless sky. Hunith was slumped in a chair next to the cradle, where Ailesh slept. She slid out of the bed, sore from the labor, and made her way to her son.

He was so tiny, swathed in layers of blankets. So tiny and perfect, Merlin thought. As she stood over the cradle, his eyes fluttered open, a deep, clear blue to gaze at his mother curiously. She reached down into the cradle and picked Ailesh up. She rocked him gently in her arms as she walked, and he stared at the room around him. Wrapped securely in all his warm blankets, Ailesh was pressed against Merlin's chest. It was such a beautiful day that Merlin couldn't resist going outside.

Holding Ailesh to close to her heart, Merlin stepped out into the world, giving her son his first taste of sunlight. There was snow on the ground still, and icicles hanging from the trees, but it wasn't cold. The sunlight shone on Ailesh's hair, the golden wisps that framed his face. Merlin had never seen a baby with such beautiful hair, or so much of it. She wondered if this is what Arthur had looked like as a child.

Arthur. The thought of him did a curious thing to Merlin.

At first, it made her sad. To love someone so entirely, yet to be so ignored and overlooked was a painful thing. It ripped her apart from the inside out every day to think that Arthur was happy with someone else, that she would never be with him again. She was sad because he would never know the beauty of their child.

But then, Merlin was grateful. She was grateful to Arthur for the small miracle in her arms, the tiny heartbeat and the pink cheeks.

And then she was terrified, holding the infant to her, to face the world alone. She was terrified that someone would discover who Ailesh's father was, she was terrified that she wouldn't be able to hide his magic properly, she was terrified that he would grow up angry and bitter, feeling as if he was exiled by a kingdom that was in his very blood. She was terrified that Arthur would find out.

At the same time, she wanted him to know. She wanted Arthur to know that together they had made something beautiful and wonderful and she wanted him to be proud of whatever Ailesh grew up to be.

"He looks just like him," commented Hunith, coming up behind Merlin and putting an arm around her daughter.

"I know."

"You should tell Arthur, Merlin. I really think you should. I know you want him to see this child," Hunith suggested gently.

"That's impossible," Merlin muttered, and Hunith laughed.

"Merlin, you do the impossible every day!"

Merlin grumbled and looked down at Ailesh, who had started to cry.

"Shhh," she repositioned him in her arms, "Don't cry."

They walked back into the house, where Hunith took Ailesh from Merlin.

"You get something to eat, love, and I'll take care of this one here," Hunith offered, pushing Merlin towards the kitchen.

Grudgingly, Merlin scraped together a meal and wolfed it down. She had been rather hungry, she realized. As she munched on her breakfast, Hunith was pacing back and forth, patting Ailesh softly on the back until he fell asleep again. When she lay the baby down, she joined Merlin at the table.

"You should at least write to Gaius," Hunith said, "After everything he's done, and he already knew that you were pregnant. I'm sure that he'd want to hear from you."

Merlin nodded.

"I'll write to him today. One of the village boys is going into the city in a week or so, I think. I'll send it with him."

"Good. Ask him if he'd like to come visit."

Merlin took up a pen and a paper and wrote a brief note to Gaius, telling him that the baby had been born, and he was welcome to visit any time. She sealed it and gave it to Hunith, who popped off down the lane to give it to their messenger.

Merlin had mixed feelings about seeing Gaius. That she missed him more than she could put into words was indisputable, yet she was trying so hard to put her life in Camelot behind her. Seeing him would only be a reminder of the things that she tried to forget most of the time. She admitted to herself that she could never be truly rid of her time in Camelot, nor did she truly want to be. She loved all of her friends, and she loved Arthur. That still hurt to say. She tried to stop, tried to drive every last thought of him from her mind, but then she thought that not remembering Arthur would be worse. She needed to remember even more than it hurt to do so. Remembering was the closest she could ever get to being with him again.

* * *

It had been an uneasy week in Camelot. Gaius had received a letter, to everyone's surprise, from Merlin. Arthur hadn't personally read it, but from what it sounded like, Hunith was still ill, and Merlin had asked Gaius to come see what he could do for her. It seemed odd to Arthur that if Hunith had shown no improvement over the last nine months that she would wait so long to write for help, but he shrugged it off. Merlin was strange sometimes. And so, a week after receiving the letter, Gaius had left for Ealdor, and Arthur had nearly gone with him.

After a series of arguments with both Agravaine and Gaius, he had been convinced to stay in Camelot. There were rumors of unrest brewing, and for the king to go riding off into another Kingdom, even if only for a little while, would leave Camelot vulnerable. So he had stayed, watching gloomily as Gaius had rode away.

Reports had started to come in of strange things happening across the kingdom, noises in the night and disappearances that couldn't be explained, a growing and nameless army marching through the fields. With each council meeting in the morning, Arthur could feel Camelot moving closer and closer to war, although with whom, he didn't know. Not knowing who or what they might soon be up against made Arthur a little nervous, and he wished more than ever that Merlin was there.

He harbored the secret hope that when Gaius returned, he would bring Merlin with him, and a cliché if he had ever heard one, she would throw herself into his arms and kiss him as if there was no tomorrow. Naturally, when Gaius returned a week and a half later, he was very much by himself.

"How is Merlin?" Arthur asked Gaius upon his return.

The old physician pondered this question, as if the answer to it was difficult to answer.

"She is doing fine, I think, despite the circumstances. I think she, more than anyone, wishes that they were different."

Arthur frowned. What did that mean?

"How have things been here, Sire?" Gaius asked, pressing on before Arthur could voice his confusion.

"Not good," Arthur replied truthfully, "Agravaine thinks that this unknown unknown army will move to attack Camelot, and soon. We've been preparing for a possible siege."

Collections of food had begun, and extra fortifications had been added to the city walls. The armory was a busy place, and Arthur had spent the days gathering his troops, making sure that if it came to it, they were ready to fight.

Despite the looming shadow of war, a feast was to be held that night, and Arthur had to attend. Sitting sullenly at his place, he stared glumly at Percival, who was laughing and flirting with a pretty serving girl. It wasn't fair. If it came to war, he might die. He might die without ever seeing Merlin again.

The feast wore on, and there was no sign of Agravaine at his place beside Arthur. The king had already drained four goblets of wine when Gwaine burst into the hall.

"We're under attack! They're within the city walls!" he shouted, and the hall erupted into pandemonium.

"Get everyone to the inner chambers," Arthur ordered, "Gwaine, secure the armory; Percival, you're with me."

Arthur sprung into action. How had they breached the city walls? They were doubly fortified, and heavily guarded. There had been no immediate warning. How could this have happened?

As Arthur entered the battle, his mind still a little hazy from the wine, he looked in shock at the scene below him. Camelot was burning. His city, his people, were burning. He choked back tears and moved swiftly with Percival into the thick of it. He slashed at the enemy, felling some, but leaving most. They were overwhelmed by numbers. As soon as one man was killed, a new man was there, fighting in his stead. There was a great pain in his side as one man landed a blow, tearing his skin. He beat the man back, and felt a pair of hands grab him and pull him out of the hall. It was Percival.

The two of them raced down the hall, but stopped abruptly as they heard the approach of hundreds of men. Peering from behind a great pillar, Arthur and Percival watched as hundreds of soldiers filed past them. They moved as if they were not there entirely, not thinking. When Arthur caught sight of one of their faces, he found the man's expression to be glazed over, eyes not seeing the world before them.

This reeked of Morgana.

His half sister, however, was nowhere to be seen. The men didn't appear to have a leader, or anyone in charge, unless the man carrying a torch and a sword was some sort of commander. That man carrying a torch and a sword, Arthur realized with a painful jolt, was Agravaine. His uncle moved swiftly with the invading troops, and a swelling rage rose up inside of Arthur. Ignoring the pain at his side, Arthur began to throw himself towards the army. He was stopped, however, by Percival's strong hands.

"There are too many of them," Percival warned, "We need to get out of here. You need to get out of here."

"I will not leave my people," Arthur protested vehemently, clutching at his ribs, "A king never abandons his people."

"You would not be abandoning them. You would regroup to fight, amass your own army and retaliate."

"I cannot leave. I cannot defend my kingdom if I leave," Arthur winced with every word that he spoke.

"You cannot defend your kingdom if you are dead!"

Percival said the words with such a quiet ferocity that Arthur thought if he refused, the man might drag him kicking and screaming all the way to Mercia.

"If I escape, which is highly unlikely," Arthur said tentatively, "Where will I go?"

Percival thought for a moment.

"To a border village, to another kingdom, perhaps? Where is that village Merlin is from? Ealdor?"

Arthur bit his lip. If he left, he would be abandoning Camelot, but if he stayed, he was dooming himself and the kingdom. Maybe Percival was right, and making a run for it to regroup was the best thing that he could do for Camelot.

"We will have to be quick and stealthy."

They had to get out of Camelot and get to Ealdor, but first, they needed to get out of the citadel alive. Drawing a deep breath, Arthur and Percival stole into the night. As they made their way through the burning city, Arthur gave himself the momentary relief of thinking that despite what came of this, if they made it out of Camelot alive, he was going to see Merlin again.

* * *

a lot happening ahhh!

Thanks for such lovely reviews!

As a side note, I am going out of town tomorrow, and I'm not sure what my schedule/internet connection will be like, so if I don't update within the next week or so, don't be worried. I'll try to get chapter 10 up next week though! Thanks for reading :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Ten  
**

After Gaius had left, Merlin had been in a state. His visit had left her numb. There was so much, so much that she wished that she had known.

Gaius had embraced her, and her mother, and then, Merlin caught the tiny tear that trickled down his cheek as he held Ailesh for the first time. The baby was taken with him, and smiled up at the old man, reaching out to try to grab his hair.

He had stayed for a week, and for the whole week, they had avoided the subject of Arthur. Of course, Gaius had remarked on how much Ailesh looked like his father, but other than that, they didn't discuss the king. They didn't discuss Arthur until the day that Gaius was leaving, and Merlin said to give her regards to the king and queen. Gaius had given her a strange look, and his eyes had bulged out.

"You didn't know?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Didn't know what?"

"Arthur and Gwen, they called the wedding off."

Merlin couldn't believe it.

"What?"

"Months ago. I assumed that you had heard..."

"No, I bloody well hadn't!"

Merlin's head was reeling. They had called the wedding off? But why? And why did no one think to have told her? Did this change anything about her situation with Arthur?

No, she decided. It didn't. He had made his choice before, and she would not just run back into his arms, even now that he was no longer engaged. It had been perfectly clear that he had no interest in her, and she had to look out for both herself and Ailesh now. Going back to Camelot and to Arthur was no longer an option.

Gaius had left, looking sadly back over his shoulder, asking if she wanted to come back with him. She had refused, and watched him go.

That night, as she slept, she heard whisperings, hissing voices like she had on her first night in Camelot. The Dragon was calling for her. She pressed her hands to her ears and buried her face in her pillow.

The calls came all night, and continued into the morning. By noon, Merlin couldn't take it anymore. She followed the voice through the woods into an open field, where Kilgharrah sat waiting for her.

"You have been neglecting your duties," he said as she approached, staring down at her, tiny human that she was, "You have abandoned Arthur and Camelot will fall. There will be no Albion without you by his side. You cannot escape your destiny, Merlin, however hard that you try."

"If you didn't notice, fate took a little twist. I cannot help Arthur unite this world with a child in my arms. I just can't do it."

"Perhaps," Kilgharrah rumbled, "This child is the key your destiny."

"Sorry, what?"

"Your son is a Pendragon, a son of Camelot, yet a son of magic and the Old Religion as well. What better way to bring the world into Albion, than by uniting these two worlds through the innocence and purity of a child?"

Merlin stared up at the dragon.

"But Arthur doesn't know about Ailesh."

"He will find out soon enough," Kilgharrah said, sounding almost bored.

"How?" Merlin demanded to know.

The dragon raised his great head.

"He is headed here now," his tone was still nonchalant.

Now!

"Why is he on his way here?" Merlin asked, panicked.

"Camelot has come under siege from forces at Morgana's command, although she is not seated on the throne yet. She has other plans, which are not yet clear to me, but she is close too, perhaps closer than Arthur."

Merlin's eyes bugged out. She had to get back to Ealdor. Ailesh was with Hunith, and the village was unprotected. Without a word to the dragon, she turned and ran back the way that she had come. She needed to be there to protect her family.

* * *

The escape from Camelot had very nearly been a complete failure. Arthur and Percival had been followed, and barely managed to shake their pursuers. His leg wounded, Percival could not continue, and Arthur helped him hide himself in a designated safe spot to wait for the other knights. They would, if they were still alive, come and meet Arthur in Ealdor.

Arthur moved all through the night, clutching at his side, but pressing on anyways. It was after noon by the time he stumbled into Ealdor. The village was quiet, and no one seemed to be around. He knocked on the door to Merlin's house. There was no answer. Tentatively, he pushed the door open.

At first, he thought that the room was empty. It wasn't. To his horror, Hunith was lying on the ground, and he rushed to her side. She was only unconscious, he realized with relief, and looked around to see what had caused her to fall unconscious, and where Merlin might be. His eyes fell on a woman, but it wasn't Merlin.

It was Morgana.

"How predictable you are, Arthur," sneered Morgana.

Arthur bristled, but asked her what he had been wondering for months.

"Why didn't you kill me all those months ago? Why not just take over Camelot then?"

She bent over something that was obscured from Arthur's view.

"Because," Morgana began, "I don't simply wish to kill you and take your place."

"What, then?" he asked, advancing (against his better judgement) towards her.

"I'm going to strip you of your pride and your dignity, and take from you your very heart and soul. You will have nothing left, and I will be merciful in granting you death."

She paused to stand up straight again, and looked directly into Arthur's eyes.

"I have taken Camelot from you. Now come here and watch as I destroy all that you have left to care about in this world."

Beckoning him forward with a finger, Morgana pointed to what she had been bent over.

It was a cradle.

In the cradle, was a baby, blond haired and blue eyed, staring up curiously at the two unfamiliar faces in front of him. Those eyes, Arthur thought, he had seen them somewhere before.

No.

It couldn't be.

And yet, it was. It was Merlin, only Merlin, who had eyes such shockingly clear, deep blue eyes. No one could ever have eyes half as beautiful as Merlin, but here was this child before him, golden hair sticking up at angles all over his head, with eyes so gorgeous that Arthur could have sworn he was looking at Merlin's.

This baby had to be Merlin's. With a strange sensation in his stomach, Arthur's mind slowly grasped that if this child was Merlin's, then this beautiful baby boy was also his. And in that moment of realization, Arthur wanted nothing more to snatch up his son, and take him as far away from Morgana as he possibly could. He wanted to hold him close to his chest, and feel the warmth of his tiny body, to know that he was real and to tell his son that everything was alright and safe. As he moved forward to do all these things, Morgana whispered something in a hiss, and he was flung back off of his feet.

While he scrambled to get up, Morgana reached down into the cradle and plucked the baby from his blankets.

"Give the child to me!" Arthur shouted, getting to his feet.

"I don't think I will," Morgana smirked, and drew a knife from the folds of her cloak.

Terror gripped Arthur in such a way that it never had before. Morgana stroked the pointed tip of the dagger lightly across the baby's skin, never pressing hard enough to draw blood.

"Morgana, leave him alone," warned Arthur shakily, stepping forward.

She ignored him. Arthur advanced towards her slowly, and considered his plan of action as well as he could, which really wasn't well at all. He couldn't barely think; his infant son, who's name he didn't even know, was inches from death. He was beyond thinking.

A strength, a feeling of rage, really, came over Arthur, such as he had never felt it before, and he lunged at Morgana as she raised the dagger over the baby. He knocked into her, pulling the baby out of her arms, and turned away. Morgana regained her balance, and Arthur felt the energy in the air around him began to circulate back towards her.

This was it, he realized. He would die with his child in his arms, without ever knowing the boy's name. He would die and there would be no one to protect this tiny life. It nearly made him physically ill. There was nothing he could do, nothing at all. Arthur held the tiny child close to his chest, in a vain effort to shield him from whatever might come there way, and tried to break for the door. As soon as his feet began to move, he felt his legs lock up, and barely caught his balance in time as Morgana brought him to an instantaneous halt with her magic.

"There's nothing you can do, Arthur," she gloated, "I've won, and there is no one to save you now."

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and then pressed a soft kiss to the top of the baby's head.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

This was all his fault. If he hadn't been so thick, so damn thick, he would have realized how he felt, and maybe Merlin wouldn't have left, and no one would be in any danger. But he had been so very stupid, and now the most innocent would suffer for his mistakes. He deserved it; he deserved a painful death, and would relish it, if it meant that his son could live. Never had he thought he could feel this strongly about anything, this protective, this willing to die.

But his death would not save his son's life, and Arthur could only pray for a miracle.

"Goodbye, Arthur," Morgana said, and Arthur heard her shout a spell.

There was a terrible light as whatever magic Morgana was using erupted into the world, and Arthur thought that the last thing that he would ever see was the top of his son's golden head.

It wasn't.

The door to the house banged open, and Merlin, flushed and out of breath, hurtled inside.

"NO!" she screamed, and Arthur watched in removed amazement as her eyes glowed a brilliant gold, and power surged forth from her, attacking Morgana's magic, and then Morgana herself.

Morgana shrieked as she was thrust back against the wall, and hit her head, slumping on the ground. She might have been dead; Arthur didn't know, and he didn't really care.

The only thing that he cared about was the fact that the child in his arms was still alive, and smiling up at him. When he had allowed the relief of the moment to sink in, he looked up, remembering Merlin, and what she had just done.

She was still standing at the entrance to the house, hair blown out behind her, a dangerous ferocity radiating from her. Magic. She had just done magic, and very powerful magic at that. Everything that Arthur had ever been taught told him that he should be very frightened, that he should subdue her, but Arthur found himself thinking that in that moment, he wanted to hold her in his arms and kiss her more than he had ever wanted to before in his life.

Merlin broke her stillness, and advanced rapidly towards him. He grinned broadly at her. When she was right in front of him, Arthur decided to drop all pretense, and he kissed her squarely on the mouth.

Instead of leaning into the kiss and reciprocating, Merlin hastily pulled away and snatched the baby from Arthur. Holding the child on her left side, Merlin wound her right arm back, and before Arthur knew what was happening, her fist was colliding squarely with his face.

* * *

Arthur stumbled back as Merlin swung again, aiming probably to break his nose. Merlin wasn't typically a violent person, but it just felt so _good_ to hit him. If she hadn't been holding the baby in one arm, Merlin thought that she probably could've gone on all day, but she was a mother, and like always, Ailesh would come before Arthur. When she finally let up her barrage of blows, she cradled her baby in both arms, shushing him in a soothing voice, all but ignoring Arthur as he struggled to regain his footing. The baby finally quieted down, Merlin turned back to him. He was standing there, a tiny trickle of blood running from his nose, mouth open in both understanding and confusion.

"Wha―how―?"

"It's really quite simple, Arthur. I'm sure you know how babies are made," she said bitingly.

"Yes, but..."

And then Merlin saw Hunith, unconscious on the ground. Dropping to her knees, she shook her mother, and when she didn't wake, she uttered an incantation that send the woman hurtling upwards.

"Merlin! It was Morgana! The baby!" Hunith cried breathlessly.

"I know. It's alright. Morgana is dead, I think."

"Oh," Hunith saw Arthur, "Oh!"

"Hello Hunith, good to see you," he said, but Hunith only glared at him.

"It's alright," said Merlin, placing a hand on her mother's shoulder, "I can take care of myself."

"That's what you said when you left for Camelot," Hunith reminded her, "And you came home pregnant."

Merlin turned away from her mother.

"You have to go back to Camelot, Arthur," she told him, walking towards the door.

He followed her outside.

"Yes, I know that, but don't you think we should _talk_?" he asked her, grabbing her arm.

"About what?" she snarled.

"About why you didn't tell me that you were _pregnant_! About why you didn't tell me that you had _magic_!"

"What was I supposed to do?" she said, "You were in love with Gwen, and I was just what was convenient for you. And magic. Yes, I have magic, I've had magic from the day that I was born, but I've lost count of the times that I've heard you or your father say how evil and horrid it is. I was _terrified _Arthur, terrified about what would happen if you found out. So don't you dare tell me that I should have told you, because never once did you give me reason to believe that I would be spared the punishment for being who I am."

There was a large silence.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, because there wasn't really much else that he could say to that.

"Yeah, well, me too," Merlin said, "But at least I have him now."

Her face softened somewhat as she looked at her baby.

"You have me too, you know."

"No, I don't. You used me. It's not entirely your fault because I let you, but I was in love with you, and there for you and you used me before just hanging me out to dry," Merlin willed herself not to cry.

"In love with me?" Arthur sounded shocked, "Why didn't you ever say anything Merlin?"

"Because you so clearly _weren't_ in love with me!"

"Merlin," he murmured, "Merlin I've been so stupid. I've been selfish and cruel and stupid, and I'm so, so sorry."

Tears began to fall from his eyes.

"I didn't understand, or I didn't know, but God, Merlin," Arthur choked, "I love you. I need you."

Merlin hesitated.

"Do you want to hold him?" she asked.

Arthur nodded, and took the baby from her.

"What's his name?" he asked Merlin.

"Ailesh," she told him, smoothing the baby's hair as he looked up at his father.

"Ailesh," Arthur repeated, letting his son's name sink in, "Prince Ailesh."

Merlin turned away, still fighting the tears that were welling up in her eyes.

* * *

sorry it's been so long since I updated; I've been in transit and traveling (I still am) and didn't have good wifi for a while so I haven't been able to post anything. Thank you to all the people who left lovely reviews (I love you all), but the Gwen haters can go fuck themselves and shove their sexist shit up their asses because in this story Gwen has not done anything to hurt anyone so you can take your confused ass and show yourself the door. The rest of you are amazing and wonderful and I love you to bits and pieces and I'm glad you're enjoying the story.

stay tuned for updates!


	11. Chapter 11

**disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Eleven  
**

They walked further down the lane, Arthur still holding Ailesh close to him, still in shock from every that had just happened.

Morgana dead. Him, a father. Merlin, in love with him. Merlin, a sorceress. He gulped. All things considered, he was extraordinarily grateful for what she had just done for him with magic, what she had probably been doing for years. He was so happy, so relieved to see her, to be with her again, that he was willing to leave this particular betrayal of trust to discuss at a later time.

He held Ailesh, who was looking back up at him with those huge, blue eyes, a curious smile on his chubby face.

"He's got your eyes," Arthur commented, breaking the silence.

Merlin gave a tired smile and nodded her head.

"His are much more beautiful," she said.

They lapsed back into silence. For as much as he had always complained about how Merlin would never shut up, he had missed her voice so much while she had been gone that he would have been content if she just read out every recipe from a cookbook. He hated the quiet, and he hated how she was avoiding his gaze.

Every so often, he would steal a glance at her from the corner of his eye, trying to gauge what her emotions were. For the most part, her expression was unreadable. Her mouth was set in a tight line, her breathing even. It was her eyes that betrayed her. Arthur could see so much turmoil and so much despair and anger in her shining eyes, so much resentment and yet still, there was a tiny glint of love.

He wished that she would let him hold her, but he understood why she flinched away from his touch. He had let her down in so many ways over the years, so many times that he hardly deserved a second glance from her. He wanted to make it all up to her, to crush her into a hug, to hold her in his arms, to kiss away any fears and doubts that she had about anything, but he knew that wouldn't happen.

For now, he would settle for whatever forgiveness she decided to give.

"With Morgana dead," Merlin said, "Camelot will be easy to retake. I'm sure all the knights are waiting for your return, and if Morgana's army hasn't disbanded already, they will as soon as they learn that their leader is dead."

Arthur nodded along with everything that Merlin was saying, not really thinking about what it actually meant.

"Arthur? Are you actually listening to any of the things that I've been saying? Because it doesn't look like it," Merlin said, narrowing her eyes at him.

"I'm... I'm listening, Merlin. I'm sorry. I've... a lot has happened today," he said, shaking his head, "There's the matter of Agravaine to sort out as well. My uncle, he betrayed me."

"Yes, I know. It was obvious to anyone with eyes, Arthur," Merlin said exasperatedly.

"Then why didn't you say anything?" Arthur replied sharply, "Why are there so many things that you don't tell me, Merlin?"

She looked at him, her expression soft and sad, maybe even a little pitying.

"Because you never listen," she told him, "You never see what's right in front of you until it's too late."

"Is it too late, Merlin?" he asked quietly.

"It's not too late to save Camelot, Sire, if that's what you're asking," she said, pressing her lips together.

They both knew that was not what he had meant.

"Come on, it's cold out. I don't want Ailesh to get sick," Merlin said, and turned back, walking towards the house.

Arthur followed.

* * *

When they stepped back into the house, Arthur and Merlin found Hunith sitting huddled next to the fire, a mug of tea in her hands. Morgana's body was still on the floor, although Hunith had covered her face with a piece of cloth.

"It's very sad, isn't it?" Hunith said, "If Uther had only stopped and thought about the things that he was doing, perhaps none of this would have ever happened."

She looked up at Arthur.

"I'm sorry. That is not my place to say. I apologize, Sire," she mumbled, looking back down.

"No, you're right. Perhaps if my father had shown more kindness and love to those who deserved it, the world would be a much different place. But he did not, and here we are, left to right all his wrongs," Arthur said, pressing his hand to Ailesh's head, "It is sad, and it is unpleasant, but it was inevitable. Morgana was lost a long time ago."

Merlin took Ailesh from Arthur's hands, and cradled him to her chest.

"Is there enough wood to build a pyre?" Arthur asked.

"There should be. Are you going to do it tonight?" Merlin said.

"If there's wood. I'd like to get it over with."

Merlin nodded her head, and watched him go.

"What are you going to do, Merlin?" asked Hunith, looking up at her.

Merlin shook her head.

"I don't know," she said, "I really don't know."

Her mother didn't press her about it anymore, and they waited in silence until Arthur came back some time later.

"Ready?" Merlin asked, and he nodded.

Carefully, Arthur knelt down to pick up Morgana's body. He held her with tenderness, and when he laid her down on the pyre, he pressed a kiss to her cold forehead. Merlin could feel the tears creeping up again, and bit them back as she stepped up next to him. This was the second time that she had stood next to Arthur in Ealdor, and laid to rest an old friend.

"I'm sorry," she whispered in Morgana's ear, brushing the hair out of her face, "I'm sorry for everything."

She kissed the top of Morgana's head, and stepped back. Before Arthur could use the tinder to light the pyre, she reached out her hand, and spoke an incantation, and flames leapt up. Arthur flinched as her eyes glowed golden, still unused to this new truth.

Merlin watched the flames until her eyes glazed over, and everything became an orange blur in front of her. This was never how things were supposed to end.

When it was done, they returned to the house, where Hunith was rocking a crying Ailesh in her arms. Merlin reached down and took him from her, hugging her son tight to her body. He yawned and stopped crying.

"You've had quite an eventful day now, haven't you, my little prince?" she said, her voice thick with unshed tears, "Don't worry, you can sleep now. I'll be hear, and grandmother will be here."

She lifted her eyes to glance at Arthur.

"Your father will be here. We're all here to protect you," she whispered, and lifted her hand to wipe the tears away from her eyes, "So don't you worry, my little love. You will always be loved and protected. Go to sleep."

Humming lightly, she lay Ailesh down in his cradle and tucked the blankets in around him. Arthur stood next to her, and Merlin could feel how much he wanted to put his arm around her; the need radiated off of him, so much so that it almost pained her to walk away, leaving him to stand there and watch his son sleep.

* * *

sorry that it's been so long since I updated; I've had internet, but I've just been very, very busy. Hopefully once I get back in the states, I'll be able to post a little more regularly! Thanks for being amazing!

thanks for reading, reviews always appreciated!

xx


	12. Chapter 12

**disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Twelve**

Merlin woke to the sound of howling wind rattling the shutters on the windows. The house was drafty, only the dying embers of the night's fire remaining in the hearth. She clamored out of bed, the ground icy on her bare feet. From the table, she picked up a heavy wool blanket, to add to Ailesh's covers. As she tiptoed towards the cradle, she spotted Arthur, collapsed into a pile of shivering limbs on the floor. He was shuddering in his sleep, his cheeks pink with cold. After she had gently tucked the extra blanket in around Ailesh, she went back to her own bed to grab the blankets off of it.

A year ago, Arthur would never have slept on the floor. He would have joined her in bed (although Hunith's presence might have stopped him), or more than likely, he would have kicked her out of it altogether. She was grateful, at least, for that little bit of maturation on his part, and in that moment, while she didn't feel that she owed him all too much, she could at least give him a blanket in the cold.

Merlin threw her blankets over him, and watched as in his sleep, he clutched them, pulling them up and over his nose. She smiled to herself, and turned away. He had been through a lot in the last couple of days, and he deserved some rest.

Hunith was up already and outside, chopping wood for the fireplace.

"You don't have to do that!" Merlin protested, hurrying towards her mother, "I can do it easily."

Hunith put the ax down and wiped the sweat from her forehead.

"You were sleeping," she said, "It's no problem darling, I've been able to chop wood for about as long as I can remember, and I'll be able to do it until the day that I die. You don't need to worry about me."

"But I can save you so much time and effort," Merlin said, "Please. It'll be quick and easy."

"_Merlin_, I don't need you to do everything for me. I got along just fine without you, you know, and I suspect that I will get along fine without you once again."

Merlin froze. She had been expecting this, of course, but she still didn't have an answer. She didn't know, and to be completely honest, she didn't want to think about it too much.

"What are you talking about?" she asked hesitantly, hoping that playing dumb would buy her some time.

"You're going back to Camelot with Arthur, of course," Hunith said, picking the ax back up again.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

Merlin growled through her teeth.

"You don't understand! I can't just go back! To live in the castle like I did before, but only now with a child who can't know about his father! I will not raise a bastard child in court, where everyone will whisper about him behind his back," Merlin said.

"Arthur would not for one second allow that to happen. You know it's true Merlin. He's in love with you, and would do anything for you."

Merlin squeezed her eyes shut. She wanted to go back so badly, but at the same time, she couldn't imagine anything worse. If she went back, she would have to face everyone that she had abandoned, she would have to explain Ailesh, and she would once again have to live around Arthur. And as much as she hated to admit it, as weak as it made her feel, she couldn't let go of her feelings towards him.

"I can't," she said quietly.

"But _why_?" Hunith groaned, "You love him, he loves you, and you both need each other. Not to mention Ailesh, who needs both of you."

"Because if I go back, nothing will change, and everything will just go on and continue hurting. It's selfish, I'm sorry. But I can't."

Hunith didn't say anything in response. She just continued to chop wood, letting Merlin stand there and bask in her own silence. Huffing, Merlin turned around and stomped her way back into the house to wait for Arthur to wake up.

* * *

"I'm going to have to go back to Camelot soon, you know," Arthur said to Merlin, as he ate his breakfast.

"I know."

"What are you going to do?" he asked, looking up at her.

Merlin bit her lip and glanced over at her mother, who was quietly stoking the fire. They made brief eye contact, and Merlin felt her stomach flip.

"I'll go back with you," she said, and before she could get out all her rules and provisions, Arthur leapt up from the table, a huge smile stretched across his face, and he cheered.

Hunith smiled and walked over to the two of them.

"I'll help you pack your things," she said.

When they were done, all of Merlin's things loaded into two bags, and Ailesh swathed in a thick woolen blanket, they were ready to leave.

"I'll have to come visit you now," Hunith said, kissing the top of Merlin's head, before curling Ailesh to her chest, "I don't want to miss this little one growing up."

"We'll look forward to it," Arthur said, and mounted his horse.

Merlin had Ailesh strapped into a comfortable little pack, so that he would be attached to her chest for the whole ride. It made getting on her horse somewhat difficult, but after a short struggle and a few muffled laughs from Arthur, she managed to clamor onto it.

"I'll miss you," she said to Hunith.

"I'll miss you too."

And then they were off, Merlin's head spinning with the thought of Camelot, and seeing her friends and making amends. They rode in silence for hours, the only noise the soft rustling of leaves in the wind. It was cold by the time they stopped for the night, and Merlin's teeth were chattering as she dismounted her horse.

"I'll start a fire," Arthur said, dragging several sizable logs together.

Without bothering to tell him not to, Merlin stretched out her hand and started the fire herself. Arthur leapt back in surprise.

"Would you _stop_ doing that?" he said, dusting himself off.

"Stop doing what, Arthur? Showing you who I truly am? Because if you're not comfortable with it, I can turn right back around and go to Ealdor," she said testily.

"I don't- I didn't. I didn't mean it like that," he said, struggling with the words, "You know I didn't."

"I don't know anything," she said quietly, sitting down on the ground and rewrapping Ailesh's blankets.

"You know that I would let any harm come to you."

Merlin sighed and stared at the ground.

"Merlin?"

"Hmm?" she responded.

"When you said before that you were in love with me," he began, his words slow and careful, "Does that-do you-do you still feel the same way?"

He choked the words out like they had been stuffing his lungs, and looked at Merlin with so much need that Merlin almost told him the truth.

"No," she said curtly, "I'm not in love with you."

She watched him deflate, his face crumpling ever so slightly.

"It's going to be different this time, Arthur," she continued.

"I know."

"I mean it. I'm not coming back and crawling back into your bed. I'm coming back to Camelot to serve you and to raise Ailesh. Nothing more. I hope you know that."

Across the fire, Merlin could see Arthur nod.

"I understand," he said, kneading his fingers in his hair.

They sat together by the fire until Merlin finally began to doze off, hugging her woolen blankets around her as she slept alone on the forest floor.

When she woke, it was light again, and she heard the sound of someone humming softly. Cracking an eye open, Merlin scanned the campsite for the source of the humming. Pacing back and forth, Ailesh clutched to his chest, was Arthur. He was staring out into the woods, humming a melody that Merlin couldn't quite place.

"Morning," she said, and Arthur jumped.

"Sleep well?" he asked tightly, and without waiting for an answer, he pressed on, "Because we need to get a move on. The longer we stay away from Camelot, the harder it will be to retake."

* * *

They pressed on through the day, arriving at the citadel walls mid-afternoon. Stopped at the gates, Merlin took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Are you alright?" Arthur asked, the first thing that he had said to her since they had left their camp.

"I'm fine," Merlin snapped.

The streets were empty, an eerie silence filling the city in absence of its king. They wound their way up to the castle, dismounting their horses in the courtyard. Cradling Ailesh to her chest, Merlin followed Arthur up the steps and inside.

There was no one around, but Merlin could hear muffled voices as they moved down the halls. They stopped in front of the throne room, pausing for a moment.

"Are you ready?" Arthur said.

"I could ask you the same thing," Merlin replied, and pushed open the doors.

All the chatter came to a halt as they stepped into the room, and at once Merlin was overwhelmed by the memory of it all. There was chaos inside, people arguing, standing toe to toe and shouting in each other's faces, but they were silent as Arthur and Merlin stepped into the room. Merlin searched the crowd for her friends' faces, and found them scattered about, staring at her.

"Your majesty," said one courtier, falling to his knees before Arthur.

He was followed by everyone else in the room, until everyone was bowed before them. Merlin dropped to the ground too, back to her place at Arthur's side.

"Everyone, please. Rise," Arthur said, "I have to speak with my council and my knights. If the rest of you could leave us for the time being."

People began to shuffle out, and Merlin stared straight ahead, pretending not to notice their eyes on her and Ailesh. When they were all gone, and the doors shut behind them, she let a sigh of relief slip through her lips.

"Merlin!" cried Gwaine, bounding forward, looking from Ailesh back to her, "My god, Merlin, what's happened?"

"Not now, Gwaine," she murmured, and nodded towards Arthur.

"What of Morgana's army?" Arthur asked, "Where have they gone?"

Leon stepped forward.

"They took the citadel, and breached the inner parts of the castle. They had control, but there was some sort of shock, or some sort of something, that seemed to jolt them into a different frame of mind. It was like they were waking from a dream, and they had no idea how they had got here, and they just sort of retreated," he explained, "It was very strange, your highness."

Arthur glanced at Merlin.

"Morgana is dead," he told his knights, "When she died, her spell over the men must have broken."

"Dead?" Percival said, "How?"

Arthur hesitated, looking to Merlin for help. She nodded subtly, telling him that it was alright to tell them.

"She nearly killed me, but Merlin saved my life, and stopped Morgana for good," he said.

The knights bristled a little at the vagueness, but no one said anything.

"And what of my uncle? The traitor?" Arthur asked, his face darkening.

"Agravaine is in the dungeons," Elyan said.

"Good," said Arthur, "Let him rot."

Merlin lifted her eyes from the ground, trying to gauge the reaction of everyone around her. Mostly, everyone just looked shocked.

"So who's this little fellow?" asked Percival, moving towards Merlin.

"His name is Ailesh," Merlin said, and took a deep breath, "He's mine."

She could see Arthur cringe out of the corner of her eye, and she knew that he had hoped she would have said 'ours'. That was out of the question, though. The knights were smart; they had probably already figured it out, what with Ailesh's striking blond hair. She'd rather just not say something that would get repeated through the court by everyone listening at the door.

"And where exactly have you been all these months?" Gwaine asked, arms crossed.

Merlin squeezed her eyes shut. He looked the most upset of all of them. This was something that he would have wanted to know. It was a betrayal of his trust, just like everything else she had done.

"I've been in Ealdor," Merlin said flatly, hoping that he wouldn't be able to hear how much his anger hurt her.

"Thanks for writing," he said, smiling bitterly at her.

"Gwaine," she whispered, "I'm sorry-"

"Friends trust each other with things like this, Merlin," he said.

There were tears welling up in his eyes too, and as Merlin reached out to touch his shoulder, he brushed her hand away, and walked quickly out of the room. A tense silence followed as Merlin attempted to swallow her tears. She had never fought like that with Gwaine, never seen him so upset with her, and it stung more than she would have thought.

"What needs to be done?" Arthur said, breaking the silence and striding to his throne, "I'm sure that there's some reconstruction that needs to be done."

He glanced back at Merlin, and nodded towards the door. She turned around, and left. Leon followed her out.

"Gwaine will come around, Merlin. Don't worry," he assured her, putting an arm around her shoulders, "He loves you, and I'm sure he'll love Ailesh too. Although he may have some issues with Arthur."

Merlin smiled weakly.

"I didn't know if you knew..."

"After the whole debacle with Gwen, Arthur had to tell us why. Everyone was upset, but Gwaine more than anyone," Leon explained, "Don't worry."

"Thanks," Merlin said.

"It's nothing. Ailesh is a beautiful child."

Leon smiled at her and left, making his way back into the throne room. Merlin continued on through the castle. It was like a dream, walking down the halls again. So many nights, she had dreamed that she was back, wandering the corridors, and there she was. The feeling was strange. Everything seemed so familiar, so much the same, but Merlin was sure that everything had changed.

She opened the door to the physician's chambers, and stood for a moment, watching Gaius. He was so absorbed in his work that he didn't notice her standing there until she cleared her throat.

"Merlin!" he exclaimed, putting down a test tube filled with a lavender colored liquid, "You're back!"

"I am," she said, "I'm back for good."

He embraced her warmly, and then took Ailesh from her arms.

"You both look well, and I presume Hunith in good health."

"She's very well," Merlin said, "Listen, we don't happen to have a cradle lying around somewhere, do we?"

Gaius thought for a moment, and shook his head.

"I don't think we do, but you could check with the other servants. I'm sure someone must have one."

Merlin smiled.

"I'll just be off to find one, then," she said, "I'll be back soon. I'm sure we have a lot to talk about."

* * *

Merlin entered the laundry room, Ailesh in her arms, in search of a cradle, or rather a servant who could point her in the right direction of one. Instead, she found Gwen, sitting on a stool, mending a dress. Merlin cursed inwardly. She hadn't thought about what she was going to say to Gwen. She had been hurt by this whole thing just as much as anyone else.

"Gwen," she said finally. Her friend looked up.  
"Merlin?" she asked, a look of confusion on her face, "What are you doing here? And why do you have a ba-"

Her jaw dropped. She shut it. It dropped again.

"Oh my _God_! Merlin!" she exclaimed, and leapt to her feet, "He's beautiful!"

Merlin smiled.

"Thank you. His name's Ailesh. Do you want to hold him?"

Gwen nodded and took Ailesh from Merlin. She smiled down at him, and he smiled up at her as she rocked him gently in her arms.

"Look, Gwen," Merlin said, "I don't even know where to begin. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. About everything. It's entirely my fault. Well, it's also Arthur's fault, but that's besides the point. I never meant to hurt you. I care so much about you and I love you to the ends of this earth, and I hope that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me someday."

Gwen stopped rocking Ailesh.

"Merlin, you're already forgiven. What you and Arthur have, that's something special, and I would never resent you for it. It hurt a bit, sure. But I'm fine. And you have a beautiful baby boy!"

Merlin giggled.

"I do, don't I?"

She hugged Gwen, burying her face in her friend's hair. It was good to be back.

* * *

eek! apologies for taking nearly a month to update! school just started back up, so we'll see how much time I have to update, but I promise it won't be too long! thanks for all your wonderful reviews, and keep them coming!. they mean a lot! hope everyone had a great summer; I know I did!

xx


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Thirteen**

One early morning, Merlin made her way down to the field where the knights trained. She had to set things up for later, and Arthur hated when they had to get started late. She unlocked the armory to drag out targets. Picking them up, she took a step forward, teetered over, and fell face down into the grass.

"Nice going there."

Merlin looked up from the ground to see Gwaine staring down at her. He was smiling infuriatingly at Merlin, who was sprawled unceremoniously before him. Grumbling to herself, Merlin tried to get up, but fell back under the weight of the targets again.

"Need some help?" Gwaine asked, bending down.

"I don't accept help from people who think I would purposely try to hurt them," Merlin muttered, just loud enough for Gwaine to hear her.

"Look," he said, "I'm sorry about all of this. I was wrong. I was being stupid and petty and mean, and I apologize, Merlin."

Merlin smiled. It felt good to hear that. It really did.

"Apology accepted," she said, "Now help me up."

Gwaine lifted the targets off of her, and dragged Merlin back to her feet.

"Thanks," she said.

"No problem, m'lady."

Together, they set up the targets one by one.

"You don't have to do this, you know," Merlin said, wiping the back of her hand across her head, "It's my job, not yours."

"It shouldn't be your job," Gwaine replied, "I can't believe Arthur is still making you do all these ridiculous things."

Merlin sighed, kicking the back leg of the target into place. None of them understood.

"I came back on the condition that things would be the same as they were before," Merlin explained.

"But things aren't the same as before, Merlin. You have a baby, Arthur's baby, for one. And secondly, you only help out around here anymore. You never come away with us, like you used to. Sure, you're still here as a servant, but things aren't the same at all," Gwaine pointed out.

Merlin sighed again. She was doing that a lot, recently. Gwaine was right. It was a relief to be back, but at the same time there was something jarring about how everything had changed. People whispered about her behind her back, and Arthur wouldn't let her accompany him anywhere that he thought would be dangerous. Merlin was relegated to simply tasks around the castle, and taking care of Ailesh. Not that she minded that, of course. It was just that she knew she could be doing so much more for herself, for Arthur and for the kingdom if he would only let her. She was a mother, yes, but she was also a defender, and perfectly capable of protecting herself in dangerous situations.

And Arthur knew it. He had to know that she wasn't some scared, helpless child cowering in fear from some unknown, vicious monster in the dark. She could help him, she could win battles that he couldn't. But instead of fighting beside him and the knights, most days she spent indoors, cleaning and organizing and doing things that were better suited to other people.

"I'm here because I need to be," Merlin said, "I'll do whatever needs doing."

Gwaine shook his head.

"But Merlin, that's exactly the thinking that got you in this situation in the first place. You were there for what Arthur needed, and didn't think about what you needed, or what would be good for you."

"And what would be good for me?" Merlin said, a little more bitingly than she had meant to.

Gwaine shrugged.

"Someone who could be there for you, for your baby."

He took a step towards her, and Merlin felt her heart begin to pound. This was _not_ how things were supposed to go. Gwaine wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his body, and kissed her lips. It was a chaste kiss, nothing like the messy and passionate ones that she had shared with Arthur, but not an unenjoyable experience. He was warm and soft and there, and Merlin found herself kissing him back before long.

"Ahem."

Merlin sprang back, away from Gwaine, whirling around to see Arthur standing there, expression stoic.

"I presume that you've set everything up that needs to be set up?" Arthur asked her, not looking into her eyes.

"Yes, Sire," Merlin replied, a bright red flush creeping up her neck.

"Good," he said shortly, and brushed passed her.

Merlin squeezed her eyes shut. Nothing ever happened the way that it was supposed to. Never. She glanced back apologetically at Gwaine before hurrying away, biting her lower lip as she went. Back inside, Merlin slammed the door to her rooms shut. The noise startled Ailesh, who began to cry.

"Oh no, don't cry! I'm sorry love," Merlin cooed, picking him up from the old cradle that he was in, "Shh, it's alright. Nothing's the matter."

She rocked him back and forth until he stopped crying. Kissing the top of his head, she lay him back down to sleep, and sighed.

What had she been thinking, kissing Gwaine? Internally she berated herself for letting her physical needs get in the way of her thoughts. Gwaine was wonderful and kind and handsome and Merlin knew that he would be a great father someday, but she didn't love him, at least not like that.

Agitatedly, she paced up and down the room, weighing whether or not she should go back out to the field. She'd have to face both of them eventually, and tell Gwaine that she didn't feel the same way about him, and tell Arthur that things weren't exactly what they seemed. Better sooner, rather than later, she thought, and with a grim expression set on her face, she headed back down to the field.

The knights and Arthur were taking turns sparring with each other, since Merlin was no longer a suitable replacement for a practice dummy. As she wound her way down to the pitch, she watched two of them going at it rather brutally, or at least one was. With horror, she realized it was Arthur, fighting with all his might against a stunned looking Percival, who was doing his best to defend himself. She started to sprint, skidding to a halt next to Leon and Gwaine.

"What's he think he's doing?" she asked, gesturing wildly at Arthur.

"He's seemed angry every since he came down here," Gwaine said, "Can't imagine why. Looks like he's taking it out on poor Percy."

Merlin glared at him.

"You know exactly why he's angry; it should be you he's trying to behead, not Percival!" she snapped, and picked up one of the shields off of the ground.

Marching into the middle of the pitch, she walked right up to Arthur.

"Oi! What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?" she shouted, holding the shield up to protect herself as Arthur swung around.

Seeing that it was only Merlin, he lowered his weapon immediately.

"Now if you wouldn't mind, stop trying to kill your knights; they'll be hard to replace and I for one don't fancy getting to know any new people around here. Stop being such a prat, and let someone else have a go," she told him, staring straight at his red face.

Arthur was breathing hard, beads of sweat formed on his forehead. He hesitated for a moment, almost as if he were sizing Merlin up. Eventually, he relaxed, and stalked off to the side of the field. Percival gave Merlin a thankful smile and retreated as well. Smugly, Merlin walked out of the center of the pitch, making way for Elyan and Leon to spar.

Arthur was stripping off his armor as she made her way towards him. He tensed up as she approached.  
"Would you like to tell me what's the matter?" she asked him.

"You know very well what's the matter," he grumbled, tossing his gloves to the ground.

"And you know very well that I'm my own person, and you have no right to tell me who I can or cannot kiss," she said angrily, "That being said, however, you should know that I don't have feelings for Gwaine. At least not in that way."

Arthur looked up, and Merlin saw with a pang the tiniest sliver of hope in his eyes.

"You've no right to go and beat on your friends because you're jealous. It's childish and petty. I'm not a toy to be fought over, and I thought that I made it clear that I was by no means yours."

She crossed her arms, wondering who this was more painful for. Certainly, his pride was hurt, but every time that she told him she wanted nothing to do with him, Merlin could feel her own heart ripping to shreds. It was better this way, though, to hurt herself rather than allow herself to be hurt by him once again.

"I'm sorry," Arthur said.

"I accept your apology. And you should apologize to Percival too. I'm sure he thinks that you hate him now," she said, and walked away, leaving Arthur standing there, still removing his armor.

"Walk with me, Gwaine," she said as she passed by the knight.

Casually, he moved to be next to her.

"What can I do for you this morning, m'lady?" he asked, bowing to her slightly. She laughed.

"I just needed to talk to you," she said, "About this morning. Look, I know that I kissed you back, and that I enjoyed it, but you have to believe me when I tell you that I can't do this. Not now, and probably not ever."

Gwaine smiled sadly and her.

"Awh, don't you worry, Merlin. I thought it'd be a long shot," he told her, "Everyone here knows where your heart lies, even if you don't."

"I know perfectly well where my heart lies," Merlin said stiffly.

"Then why aren't you there?"

"I refuse to subject myself to any more pain that I could have easily prevented," Merlin said, frowning.

Gwaine looked at her pointedly.

"Are you saying that you don't hurt right now?"

"I'm saying that I'm saving myself from being used and hurt in the future."

"Merlin, things hurt one way or another; refusing to be with Arthur may save you from getting hurt in the future, but it'll stop you from achieving any of the potential happiness that he could bring you," Gwaine said.

Merlin let out a frustrated grunt. What right did Gwaine have, Gwaine, who had kissed her a few hours earlier, Gwaine, who had refused to speak to her for weeks, Gwaine, who had told her that she deserved someone other than Arthur to make her happy, have to lecture her about her choices.

"That's not what I need right now, Gwaine," she said quietly.

"But you will need it, Merlin," he said, and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead before walking back to the pitch, leaving Merlin to return to the castle alone.

* * *

whoops! Sorry that it's been such a long time since I've uploaded! No excuse, really, other than writer's block. Still not entirely satisfied with this chapter, but oh well! I think the next one may be from Arthur's POV, since we haven't been with him for a while...

Thanks for all the reviews! I appreciate each and every one of them! Keep 'em coming!

xx


	14. Chapter 14

**disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer. **

**What Need Means: Chapter Fourteen**

* * *

Arthur returned to his chambers that night to find his bed turned down, his fire lit, and his dinner laid out neatly on the table. There was a bath drawn in the corner, and it looked hot, so Merlin must have just been there, and knew that Arthur was returning when she left. He sighed, and shrugged off his coat, throwing it over the dressing screen. He undid the buttons on his clothing, and plunked himself into the tub. The water was soothing on his battered body; the day of training had been tough, and he hadn't worked his muscles like that in a long time.

He scrubbed at the dirt and grass marks on his skin, and thought about how nice it would be to have a pair of cool hands working their way across his back, massaging his muscles, lulling him into a sense of relaxation. He thought about all the nights that Merlin had been there to draw up his bath, and had stayed with him, bringing him a sense of utter bliss. He thought about the water droplets, clinging to her pale skin.

Sighing, he got out of the tub and toweled off. Things were different now; he didn't know why he had expected everything to remain the same. Sure, Merlin was back, but she wasn't really there. They never spoke as they used to, never laughed as they used to, and certainly, they never made love as they used to. When it had become clear that Merlin had every intention of sticking to her promise that things would be different, he had tried to distance himself from her, to make things a little less painful.

It hadn't worked.

When he had come upon her earlier, wrapped up in Gwaine's embrace, his blood had boiled. It was only years of diplomatic training that had stopped him from knocking Gwaine to the floor right then and there, and even then it had weighed on him for the rest of the day. He felt awful for battering Percival so much, and truly he was glad that Merlin had intervened.

She had made him feel every bit the child that he had acted like, and he had slunk off after she left, not putting up a defense against the knights for the rest of the day. Arthur believed her when she said that she had no feelings for Gwaine, though. There was something in her eyes that told him she didn't love the knight.

Dressed for bed, Arthur blew out the candles and crawled under the covers. It was a bed far too big for one person, but the only one who could fill the space wanted nothing to do with him. Burying his face in the pillows, Arthur prayed for sleep to come quickly.

* * *

When morning came, the tub that he had bathed in the night before was gone. His clothes for the day were hanging up, and his breakfast was on the table, still steaming. Shaking his head, Arthur climbed out of bed. He wondered if he would ever get the chance to see Merlin, or if she would just avoid him forever.

She walked into his chambers as he was dressing, holding a stack of papers that threatened to topple over and spill onto the floor. She wobbled and teetered, trying to balance, but it was no use. The papers went flying, floating down through the air to be strewn across the floor. Arthur put down the shirt that he was trying to put on, and crouched down to help her pick them up.

"Still as graceful as ever, I see," he remarked, handing her several papers.

"Just as you're still unable to dress yourself," she retorted.

Arthur glanced down at his bare chest; it _did_ take him a rather long time to dress himself in the mornings. He shrugged. It didn't matter.

"Anyways," he said, reaching over to grab his shirt, "I have a meeting with a representative from Mercia today. Will you attend?"

"Thank you, Sire," she said, and Arthur grimaced at the formality, "But I have things I must do for Gaius today. I'll be outside the city the whole day, and won't return until the night."

"Oh."

Arthur felt himself deflate a little. He had been hoping that this could be the first step on the road to repairing their friendship. He yanked his shirt over his head, stuffing his arms into the sleeves.

"Be gentle with your shirt," Merlin snapped, "I don't want to have anything else that I need to mend."

"Don't be silly, Merlin. You've never mended a thing in your life. You leave that to Gwen, and those who are competent enough to do such work," Arthur teased, hoping that she would take it as an apology for his obvious unhappiness.

"My mending skills are top notch, I'll have you know," Merlin sniffed, but Arthur could see her begin to crack a smile.

"Do try to hurry back from wherever it is that you're going, Merlin," he said, grabbing his coat.

"I'll try my best," Merlin said, "I have to go now."

Arthur frowned, but nodded at her, dismissing her from the room. He watched her go, and shut the door behind her with a heavy sigh. If things kept going like this, they'd never get a real moment to speak, and he'd end up spending every meeting bored out of his mind, all alone.

* * *

It was just beginning to get dark as the meeting ended, diplomats and officials spilling out into the corridors. Arthur rubbed his eyes, trying to snap himself out of the bored trance that he had been in for hours during the meeting. His schedule was clear for the rest of the evening, but he hadn't a thing to do. Maybe Merlin was back by now, he thought, and headed towards Gaius' chambers.

He knocked on the door, and heard a female voice call out to him to come in. He entered, looking for Merlin, but instead he found Gwen, walking back and forth, holding Ailesh in her arms.

"Guinevere!" he said, straightening his back.

"Arthur," she replied, stopping her pacing.

He leaned awkwardly to one side, and looked at the floor. Since their wedding had been called off, he had barely spoken to Gwen. He hadn't been completely alone with her at all, and looking at her now, her usually soft brown eyes, hard as she stared at him, he knew why. He understood, of course. She was angry with him too, just like Merlin, and just like Merlin, she had every right to be.

"I didn't realize that you would be taking care of Ailesh this evening," Arthur said.

"I usually take care of him when Merlin's not around. Gaius loves the boy, but taking care of infants is not one of his many skills, so it falls to me. Not that I mind! He's wonderful!"

Arthur smiled as Gwen tripped over her words, just as she always had when she first came to work in the castle. Some things, he thought, some things never change.

"You can have the rest of the evening off, Gwen. Thank you," he said.

She looked at him skeptically.

"Are you sure that you can..." she trailed off, glancing down at Ailesh.

"Yes, Guinevere, I'm fairly sure that I can look after my own son for a couple of hours until Merlin comes back and boots be out of here, even though this is my castle. But thank you for your concern," he snapped at her.

"I'm sorry, your highness," Gwen said, and Arthur instantly felt bad.

"No, Gwen. I'm sorry," he sighed, "I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just...this is all...well...it's frustrating."

Gwen nodded.

"I understand," she said, and handed Ailesh to him, "If you need me, I'll still be around."

"Thank you, Guinevere," Arthur said, and cradled his son to his chest.

She shut the door behind her on the way out, and Arthur was alone with Ailesh. It suddenly struck him that in all the time that Merlin had been back, he hadn't spent any real time with his son; sure, he had held him a few times, and watched him sleep, always with Merlin, Gaius, Gwen, and the rest of what seemed like his entire court. There hadn't been a single moment that was truly just him and Ailesh.

"Well, I'm here now," he murmured in the baby's ear.

Ailesh looked up at him with his huge blue eyes, Merlin's eyes, and made a gurgling, laughing noise. Arthur felt a smile stretch across his face. He could tell that Ailesh would grow up to be quite the looker, and would surely have all the girls of the court swooning over him.

"Don't grow up too soon, though," Arthur warned him, and laid him down in the cradle.

Ailesh sat up, and crawled towards its edge. He had started crawling recently, and Arthur was disappointed to have missed the first shaky inches of movement. Merlin had told him all about it, though. The cradle rocked as he moved, and Arthur made a mental note to have something more substantial and safer built so that he wouldn't fall out of it in the middle of the night.

"What should we do?" Arthur asked him, and glanced around the room for any toys that looked like they belonged to him.

Ailesh yawned.

"I don't know any lullabies," Arthur apologized, frowning at the baby, "I wonder if Merlin has a book of stories or something that she reads to you at night."

There was a crashing noise from the shelves behind him, then the sound of something zooming, and a loud thwack as something smacked Arthur on the back of his head.

"Ouch!" he shouted, and turned around to see what had hit him.

On the ground was a thin, leather bound book, with an image of a dragon etched on the front. Arthur looked up at Ailesh, who was smiling at him, mouth open. To his complete astonishment, the child's eyes flashed a brilliant gold, and the book leapt out of Arthur's hands. He gaped at his son.

Most of the time, he liked to ignore the fact that Merlin had magic, or rather, he liked to ignore the fact that she had lied to him for years about her magic. Now that he knew, she used it around him occasionally, but she knew that it made him uncomfortable, and now that she was back in Camelot, she had to be careful that she was not discovered. Merlin having magic didn't change the way that he felt about her, of course, but it was something that he was still getting used to.

He had never really stopped to think about the fact that it was possible that Ailesh might have magic. The son of a king, a sorcerer, in a kingdom where magic was outlawed. Uther would be rolling in his grave to hear it. But Uther was not king anymore, and Arthur would love his son no matter if he had magic, or was the most ordinary boy in the realm.

However it did complicate things. If Ailesh had magic, he was in danger, especially since it was something still feared and loathed by many in Camelot, not to mention its illegality. Laws could be repealed, of course, but it would be a long and difficult process, and there would be cries of hypocrisy, claims that he only legalized it so that his son would not be harmed. Arthur rubbed his temples.

Ailesh smacked his hands against the sides of the cradle, gurgling as his eyes glowed gold. The book was still floating in the air, hovering above Arthur's head. He sighed, and reached up and grabbed it.

"Does your mother read to you from this?" he asked, opening the book to its first page, which was ornately decorated with illuminations and illustrations.

He wondered where Merlin had procured such a book. It seemed like something out of the royal library, not something that Hunith would have read to her as a child. He began to read.

"Many years ago, there was a prince. He was the youngest of four brothers, all of whom were stronger and braver than he. They all lived in a castle together until their father, the king died, and the eldest was crowned the new king of the land," he paused to flip the page, "When he took the throne, he demanded that his brothers all leave the castle, and go build castles of their own. His other two brothers, being stronger and braver, eagerly set off into the wild, bringing with them builders to help create new strongholds. The young prince, however, new nothing of governing a castle, or ordering builders to work, so instead he set off into the woods, and stayed there."

Ailesh yawned.

Arthur continued, "One dark night, the young prince was stumbling through the woods, when he came upon a great beast, a dragon, injured, and on what seemed to be the verge of death. Now, being raised on the lore of the kingdom, the young prince was immediately wary of the creature, and thought that he should perhaps end its life, to save his own. But as he raised his sword to do the deed, the dying beast opened its eyes, and the young prince saw such a human spirit in them that he could not bring himself to kill it. Instead, he laid down his weapon, and treated the dragon's wounds."

Arthur glanced over at Ailesh, who's eyes were fluttering open and closed.  
"Eventually, the magnificent creature was healed, and raising itself from the ground, took flight, glancing back at the young prince as it flew away, becoming as speck on the horizon. The young prince lived on in the woods in solitude for years, until word came to him that there was a great beast terrorizing the kingdom. He heard stories of the great beast raining fire down on the castle of the king, and to his dismay, he learned that the brave king had been killed trying to fight the beast."

Arthur looked down at Ailesh, who was almost asleep.

"He was very sad that his brother had been killed, but he still had two other brothers, whom he was sure would save the kingdom. Months passed, and he was devastated to learn that both his brothers had been slain in defense of their castles, and that he was the only remaining heir to the throne. The young prince wanted no part of the royal life, but he had a sacred duty to the people of the kingdom to protect them from harm. Gathering his things and sharpening his sword, he rode back to the castle that he had grown up in. He found it in ruins; engulfed in an endless black smoke, the towers were crumbling, and as he approached, he could see the great beast circling overhead. He dismounted his horse, knees knocking, and walked into the open, to meet the beast head on. All the people of the citadel began to emerge, to see if the young prince could save them, or if he, like his brothers, would be roasted. The great beast swooped down out of the sky, and landed with a thud. To his surprise, the young prince saw that the beast that was terrorizing the kingdom was the very same dragon that he had nursed back to health."

Arthur stopped to look at the picture drawn on the page, of a terrified looking young man, and a great, red dragon.

"The young prince cried out to the dragon, 'You! You who I helped, who I saved, who I brought back into the world of the living! This is how you repay me?!' he gestured around to the burning castle. The dragon, who had reared its head up in anticipation of striking, lowered it, gazing at the young prince. 'I saved your life; you owe me a debt,' shouted the prince, his voice shaking, 'You will leave this kingdom, and never return unless I ask you to. You will not harm a single citizen, nor kill a single beast within my borders.' The dragon bowed his head, in deference to the young prince, before taking flight, leaving the kingdom behind to heal."

The door closed behind Arthur and he jumped, spinning around to see who it was that had entered. It was Merlin, standing there, dirt smudged across her cheeks, her dress muddy, and her hands on her hips. He wondered what she had been doing all day.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I was reading our son a bedtime story," Arthur explained, holding the book up so that Merlin could see, "Where did you get this book, anyways?"

She took the book from him, holding it gingerly in her hands.

"It was my father's," she said softly, "He left it with my mother, who gave it to me after Ailesh was born. It's the tale of the first dragonlord."

"It's beautiful."

Merlin smiled, brushing her hair out of her face.

"Yes, it is. It's a family history for us," she said, gazing down at Ailesh, "He will be a dragonlord some day, if there are any dragons left by the time that he is grown."

Arthur felt his stomach flip. Ailesh, a dragonlord. Then that must mean that Merlin was the same. And that meant... he froze.

"Your father," he whispered, "Balinor. Oh, Merlin. I'm so sorry."

"It doesn't matter. It was not your fault; it was mine, really."

Arthur wondered what she meant, but didn't press her on it.

"He made the book float off the shelf," Arthur said.

"What?"

"Ailesh. His eyes glowed, and the book flew off the shelf, and levitated until I picked it up and read it to him."

Arthur felt a tightness in his chest as he watched a myriad of emotions pour across Merlin's face. First there was surprise, the joy, then pride. Then there was fear, which broke his heart.

"What are we going to do?" she whispered, more to herself than to Arthur.

Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him. She tensed up at his touch, but after a moment, relaxed, letting her head rest on his shoulder.

"Everything will work out. No harm will come to him, Merlin," Arthur said, pushing her back a little so that he could look directly in her eyes, "I promise you that I will never let any harm come to him."

Merlin didn't say anything. She just nodded, her round eyes glassy with tears. Arthur held her tightly, wishing that he never had to let go.

* * *

YAY UPDATE! Sorry for the wait. Everything is just incredibly busy, stressful, etc. ENOUGH EXCUSES!

Thank you for leaving all the wonderful reviews; they mean quite a lot, so keep them coming!

hope everyone is enjoying the new season (lots of merthur, badass gwen, sexy gwaine, and omg mordred is adorbs, right?!)


	15. Chapter 15

**disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Fifteen**

* * *

Long after Arthur had left for the night, Merlin stayed up, pacing the floor of her room, the floorboards creaking beneath her feet. Occasionally, she stopped to check on Ailesh, and gaze at his peaceful, sleeping face. She would lower her hand, almost as if to brush a lock of hair from his face, but stop just short of touching him, so she wouldn't wake him. She didn't want to think about how dangerous the world was going to be for him, or how many people there were that would relish the opportunity to see him hurt.

As she paced, she envisioned scenario after scenario of all Arthur's old enemies, all her old enemies, even Uther's old enemies, stealing into the castle and snatching her child from her. She pictured them forcing him to use his magic to hurt people, she pictured his mind being poisoned by stories of the Pendragon's hate for magic. She pictured him becoming like Morgana.

She fought off all her nightmares, reminding herself that Arthur would never let anyone come near to hurting Ailesh. But Arthur wasn't always there, and there were plenty of power-hungry noblemen and women at court who would jump at a chance to betray Arthur, to claim the throne as their own. Her thoughts begin to spin out of control, one disaster following another, fires burning, walls crumbling, children crying and suddenly she couldn't take it any more.

Quickly as she could, Merlin ran outside, into the open air. Her head was filled with a cloud of panic, the same fog that used to fill her brain when she worried about her destiny, and about Arthur. She could never do enough to protect the people that she needed to-that much was evident. She had stopped counting the times that she had almost lost Arthur, and tried to forget losing all her friends, one by one. No one was safe, not ever, and it didn't matter that she held power beyond what should even be possible. She never had enough to save any of them, only Arthur. Heaving great breaths, Merlin let the cold night air clear her mind, willing her panic to subside.

Squeezing her eyes, shut, she tilted her head back so that her face was turned to the stars.

"Please," she whispered into the dark, empty night, "Let me not fail again."

Shaking, Merlin opened her eyes. She would not fail to protect the people that she loved, she would not fail to protect her son, she would not fail to protect anyone. Not anymore. She had spent her years in Camelot wallowing in her shame at being a failed guardian to her friends, but now, she told herself, those days were over. She was no longer just a guardian, just a machine in the twisted workings of destiny; she was a mother, a mother who would do anything to protect her child from the harm that would always be present in his life.

The light was still on up in Arthur's room, and she wondered how late he would stay up, and if he was as worried as she was. Probably. He was always worried. Maybe she should go check on him, just to see if he was holding up alright. She wouldn't even have to think up an excuse to go up there. He would probably be glad to see her.

She kicked a stone across the courtyard. She wasn't going to go up to Arthur's room. She wasn't about to go up there and give him any ideas, make him think that if he pined hard enough, she would come running back to him. It was just so damn _difficult_ looking at Arthur, and his kicked-puppy face. He thought that she didn't notice him watching her, but oh, yes she did. She could feel his eyes on her, she could feel the way he wanted to let his touches linger, but would always pull away, squeezing his fingers into a fist, gritting his teeth. Tonight had been the first night that she had allowed him to touch her, and hold her for the first time since she'd been back.

It would be a lie to say that she didn't miss his fingers tracing patterns across her skin, and it would be a lie to say that she didn't stay awake at night, imagining his lips, his tongue, trailing their way down her body, working her own fingers in and out of her body. There was nothing that she could do about. She wanted him, but at the same time, she wanted nothing to do with him, because for all his small kindnesses, for all his nobility and for all his friendship, Merlin knew that Arthur would always be the one who could hurt her the most, and that every time he did, she wouldn't do anything to stop him.

* * *

"Our enemies draw nearer by the day," Arthur was saying as Merlin entered the throne room, "They march on Camelot, and we still have not come up with a plan to defend the outlying villages and towns."

Merlin took her place, standing off to the side, making brief eye contact with Arthur as she did. It had been a trying couple of weeks since Ailesh had first shown signs of magic. Everything had started when a group knights had gone out for their patrol, and the only one to return was the youngest, beaten and bloodied, draped across his horse, hanging on for his life. When they asked him who had done this, he only whispered a name, shaking in fear.

_"Morgana," he said, his voice barely audible to Arthur, who was stooped over him. _

_"That's impossible," Merlin snapped from beside the boy, "She's dead."_

_He shook his head as vehemently as he could, before exhaling with a shudder and passing out._

_Arthur insisted on questioning Agravaine, storming down to the dungeons where his uncle had been held since his treason had been discovered. Merlin ran after him, following him down into the darkest of the cells, where no light reached, and the only sound was that of slowly dripping water, and rats scurrying across the cold stone floor. _

_Agravaine was huddled against the wall, eyes shut to the darkness. _

_"Stand," Arthur commanded, and when his Uncle did not obey, he unlocked the cell, marched in, and yanked him to his feet._

_"Your highness," Agravaine said drolly, "What brings you to this fine wing of the castle?"_

_"Morgana is dead," Arthur said, "I have seen her killed, and her body burned with my own eyes."_

_"Then she must surely be dead."_

_"So why does a young knight come back to me, beaten and alone, claiming that Morgana was the one responsible?"_

_"He's young, he's scared. He's making things up," Agravaine said. _

_"You're the one making things up," Merlin grumbled, glaring at him. Arthur flicked an annoyed glance her way, before looking back to his uncle. _

_"Don't play games with me," he said, his voice full of hatred, "I don't have the stomach for vile men like you."_

_Agravaine remained silent, staring unblinkingly at Arthur._

_"Arthur," Merlin murmured, "Arthur, he isn't going to talk to you."_

_Agravaine smiled at her, and she shuddered.  
"Smart girl," he said, "You always were too smart for him."  
"You might not talk to him," Merlin growled, "But you will talk to me."_

_He smirked at her, and Arthur stared, confused. She whispered an incantation under her breath, and her eyes glowed gold. Reaching out her hand, she grasped Agravaine's neck. He screamed, clutching at her arm, trying to push her away. After a moment, she let go, and he collapsed to the floor. _

_"Magic," he rasped, looking up at her with terrified and intrigued eyes, "You have magic."_

_She quirked her lips upward into the tiniest of smiles, and watched him put everything together._

_"You...are...you are Emrys!" he said, eyes wide as he laughed, panting "Of course you are! Everything makes sense now."_

_Merlin squatted down next to him, so that her eyes were level with his._

_"That's right. I am Emrys, and you very well know that I will do anything to protect my king and his kingdom," she said, her voice low and dangerous, "Tell me, what is going on?"_

_Merlin tried not to dwell on what Arthur would think of her using her magic to torture his uncle, though she could almost feel the shock in his gaze. There was something else, too. Something new. She hoped that the other emotion she was sensing from him wasn't repulsion. _

_"Morgana had a back up plan," Agravaine whispered, "In case things were to go horribly wrong."_

_Arthur and Merlin both leaned closer. _

_"She took measures to ensure that if she were to die, that her efforts to overthrow you would not cease. Several lords from distant lands swore oaths to her, that if the day came, they were to band their troops together, and march on Camelot. Do not ask me their names, for I do not know."_

_He slumped backwards, still trying to catch his breath. Arthur and Merlin exchanged glances. _

_"Let's go," Arthur said, and they left the cell. _

_As they wound their way back up into the living part of the castle, Arthur grabbed Merlin by the arm, stopping her as she walked. She backed into the wall, frowning at him. _

_"What was that back there?" he asked her, his eyes searching her face. _

_"What was what?" she replied innocently._

_"You know very well _what_," he snapped, "I know the man is a traitor, but that was _torture_, Merlin. What did you even do to him?"_

_"I didn't cause any permanent damage, if that's what you're worried about," she said, glaring at him, "I was doing my duty, serving the king, protecting the kingdom. You have to know that it wasn't the first time people have been hurt to protect you or Camelot."_

_Arthur stared at her, his expression somewhere between confusion and outrage. Merlin took advantage of his momentary distraction to tug her arm from his hand and shove past him. _

_"Merlin, wait!" he called after her, but she didn't listen to him. She had continued back up into the castle, losing him in the endless corridors. _

In the weeks since their discovery of Morgana's post mortem plan, Arthur and Merlin had not spoken much. Arthur was busy with the recruitment and training of his emergency troops, and Merlin was needed to help fortify the castle. The council meeting was the first they had attended together in over a week.

"There are not enough troops to defend all the villages, Sire," said Leon gravely.

"Is it yet too late to evacuate all the people into the citadel?" Arthur asked.

"We can take many, but not all," Leon said, frowning, "There is simply not enough space, or resources to go round."

Arthur nodded.

"Very well," he said, "Percival, Elyan, ride out with several knights to as many villages as you can, and tell them that if they have any wish of survival, they must come immediately to the citadel."

The knights stood and left the hall. There was silence after they left, as Arthur bowed his head.

"I believe this meeting is adjourned," he said, and everyone bowed to him, before making their way out.

Merlin hesitated, staying behind. Arthur was still seated, head bowed in thought.

"Arthur?" she said quietly, "Are you alright?"

"I have just doomed thousands of my subjects, Merlin, yes I'm just _brilliant_," he said through clenched teeth.

Standing behind him, she reached out, her hand hovering over his shoulder. She squeezed it gently, feeling his muscles relax.

"It will be alright," she said, "I promise."

"Thank you, Merlin. You may go," he said, standing up without looking at her.

She sighed and left the room. It had been like that since the day with Agravaine in the dungeons, Arthur ignoring her, or trying to, and her reaching out to him in vain. How perfect, she thought, that when she finally was ready to be by his side again, as a friend and as a guardian, he would shun her. He was right to fear her, she supposed; she was everything he had ever been taught to hate, and as much as he insisted that he accepted her, she knew that he would always have an underlying mistrust of her true power. She shrugged, shaking her head to no one in particular. Maybe one day he would understand that hurting people with magic was no different that hurting them with weapons. Maybe he wouldn't. But hopefully he would, she thought, she needed him to.

* * *

By the time that Percival and Elyan returned, the citadel was packed with refugees. The sound of crying infants was incessant, and the streets were filled with the stench of overpopulation. Night was falling, the guard at the walls doubling. Merlin made her way to Arthur's chambers.

He was at the window, looking out into the darkness.

"They are nearly upon us," Merlin said, "We should go."

Upon their return, Elyan and Percival had reported that the mass of troops marching on Camelot would be there by sometime in the night. The knights and every able bodied man were armed and ready to fight.

"We should," he said, and turned to look at her, "I would like to see Ailesh first. To say goodbye."

"You'll see him later," Merlin said, trying to ignore the implications of Arthur's request, "No need for goodbyes."

"Still," he said, "I would like to."

They made their way to Gaius's chambers, where the physician was just leaving, carrying stacks of medical supplies.

"Gwen is with Ailesh," he said, nodding towards Merlin's room, "I will see you both at the front."

Inside Merlin's room, Gwen was sitting on the bed, rocking Ailesh in her arms. He was giggling, trying to reach out and grab her face. She looked up at Arthur and Merlin as they entered.  
"I'll give you two a minute," she said, gently handing Ailesh to Merlin.

She looked down into her son's face, his blond hair flopping down over his eyes. This was the first time she had to leave someone behind when she went off into battle. It could be her last time, too.

"You be good," she told him, "Or Auntie Gwen won't sing you bedtime lullabies."

He gurgled in response, grasping at her face. Arthur leaned down, and kissed his son's forehead, not saying anything.

"We should go," Merlin said, "They'll be missing you."

Arthur was biting his lip. Merlin narrowed her eyes.

"Stay here, Merlin," he said, looking at her with eyes that seemed to be begging.

"You need me, Arthur," she said, "I can help you win this."

"_He _needs you!" Arthur snapped, "If we both die, he loses his father and his mother. He needs you more than I do."

"Arthur, please," she said, her voice barely above a whisper, "Don't make me wait here. I can't stand that."

"Don't be selfish, Merlin. Stay here."

He bent down again, and kissed Merlin's forehead. Then he left.

Not long after, she could hear the sounds of a battle beginning. Merlin sat down on her bed, holding Ailesh. Her mind was spinning stories already, tales of charred bodies and severed limbs and painful deaths that she could prevent by being there. By being with him. It was cruel. It was cruel to lock her away like this, to make her choose, because there could never be any choice at all. It was cruel that she could never protect everyone.

There was a knock at the door, and Gwen peeked her head through, a worried expression on her face.

"Merlin?"

Gwen padded over and sat down next to her, slinging a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"Merlin, everyone is going to be fine."

"No they're _not_, Gwen," Merlin said, "They really aren't. We should be out there, helping them. Sitting here,we're doing nothing, not even helping the wounded. It's not selfish of me to want to help the people of Camelot. They need me. They can't win this without me."

"Merlin, I know that you are always by Arthur's side, but what difference will you make? You're one woman. You'll make more of a difference by living on, by being there as a mother."

"I am the difference," she whispered, "I am always the difference. Every single time."

Gwen pulled back from her.

"Merlin, what are you talking about?"

"It's always me, Gwen."

She turned her head so that she was staring into Guinevere's eyes. It took a moment, but Gwen's mouth popped open, her eyes wide.

"Magic?!" she gasped, "Merlin...does Arthur know?"

She nodded.

"But no one else, other than him and Gaius," she paused for a moment, "Lancelot knew."

A small, sad smile flickered across Gwen's face.

"He probably knew from the moment he met you."

"Something like that."  
"I wish that you had told me, Merlin," Gwen said, wrapping her arms around her once again, "I would never have betrayed you. Never."

"I know," Merlin replied, pressing her head against Gwen's neck, "I just...couldn't."

"I understand."

The shouts and bangs from outside grew louder. There was something that felt like an explosion, which sent things rattling off of shelves, crashing onto the floor. Ailesh began to cry.

"Shh, love, don't cry," Merlin tried to soothe him, "Everything will be alright. I won't let anything happen to you."

She could hear screams in the distance. A shiver ran down her spine.

"I have to go, Gwen," she said, standing up suddenly, "Take care of Ailesh."

Gwen nodded; she understood. It was not selfish of Merlin to join in the fray. It was selfish of Arthur not to let her. If they won the battle, Ailesh would be safe, even if Merlin died. If they lost, they ran the risk of losing Ailesh as well. The best way to protect as many people as she could, her son and Arthur included, was to throw herself into the middle of it, to end it before any more damage was done.

She hugged Gwen, and kissed Ailesh, whispering an ancient blessing in his ear, a charm to protect him, before running from the room to find Arthur in the battle.

* * *

The castle walls were overrun with fighting. Soldiers clashed in hand to hand, sword to sword combat, arrows flew, and fire seemed to be falling from the sky. Merlin tried not to look at the ground, where the bodies of the fallen were strewn across it. Screams penetrated the air, some of men, but in the chaos, Merlin could make out the cries of children, too. She had to end it. She needed to find Arthur, to save Camelot from annihilation.

Merlin found him in the middle of the violence, surrounded by his knights. They fought viciously, hacking at their enemies as their enemies hacked back at them. She fought her way through the soldiers, blasting her way through bodies with her magic. As she reached Arthur, the fighting began to become less intense, a momentary respite almost upon them.

"Arthur!" she shouted, and he spun around.

"Merlin! What are you doing here?"

Merlin could see him shift between relief and despair at the sight of her.

"I'm ending this!" she shouted to him, "I'm ending it now."

Inhaling as deeply as she could, Merlin stretched out her hand, reached inside her mind, into the very depths of her power, summoning as much strength as she could.

"_Scrios an claimhte mo naimhde, a ligean ar a dtola chun troid imíonn siad._!" she cried out, her eyes blazing gold.

A ripple of heat exploded from where she stood, spreading through all the fighting. Swords dropped, disintegrating as they hit the ground. It grew very quiet throughout the castle, and Merlin stared into the haze, waiting.

She saw the shocked faces of the knights, her friends, as they stared at her display of power. She saw the terrified faces of their enemies, frantically searching for weapons. She heard the clatter of a sword hitting the ground, but not shattering, and felt strong arms grab her. It was Arthur, and he was pulling her into a kiss, tilting her face up towards his, pressing his chapped lips to hers.

Merlin felt warm, warm from the magic, warm from his embrace, and after standing rigid in his arms for a moment, she wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him back. This was right, this was how it was supposed to be. How could she have ever thought otherwise? This was what she had needed all along. Merlin closed her eyes, leaning into Arthur.

"NO!"

Someone behind her was shouting, and the next thing that Merlin knew, there was a terrible pain coming from her middle. She looked down, and saw the tip of a blade protruding from her stomach. She looked back up to Arthur, who was staring at her as if he had never seen something more horrific in his life. Her hands dropped from his neck, and she fell to the floor, a pool of blood spreading out from her.

"MERLIN!" Arthur shouted, falling to his knees beside her.

She tried to lift herself, but her body was too heavy. The cries of her friends faded into the distance, and darkness clouded her vision. Merlin needed to sleep.

* * *

I originally meant to get this up on the day of the finale, but as we all know, that obviously didn't happen. My excuse is that the finale literally killed me and I have only just been revived now...

ANYWAYS, thank you all for being lovely and patient and wonderful as usual. Fingers crossed that the next update comes a lot sooner than this did. We're almost done here, but I think that there are a couple of chapters left, still! Read and review! xx


	16. Chapter 16

**disclaimer: I own nothing, only a computer.**

**What Need Means: Chapter Sixteen**

* * *

Arthur held Merlin in his arms, finally. Her lips pressed to hers, he knew that it was over, all the waiting, all the torment. This was the end, and the beginning. It was right.

"NO!"

The shout came from behind Merlin, and before he knew what was happening, Merlin was slipping away from him, and in the space between them Arthur saw the bloodied tip of a sword, protruding from Merlin. His mind went blank with horror as he watched the blood begin to seep from the wound. She fell limply away from him, dropping to the ground.

"MERLIN!" he shouted, collapsing next to her.

Her eyes fluttered for a moment, and then closed.

"Merlin," he said, "Merlin please!"

Take Camelot, take me, take everything, Arthur thought, just please, don't take her. Not Merlin. Please, not Merlin. Tears were streaming down his face as he cradled her to him, her blood seeping into his clothes, coating his armor. He could feel her light breaths, and the faint beat of her heart, but that was it. She was fading, and fast. The circle of knights surrounding them was broken as Gaius pushed through, rushing to Arthur's side.

"Arthur, you must let me tend to her," Gaius said, kneeling beside him.

At first, Arthur did not wish to surrender Merlin to him, still holding her to his body as Gaius removed all his medical supplies. He couldn't make himself loosen his grip on her. If he let go, he would surely lose her forever.

"She will never survive unless you let me tend to her," Gaius said, "Hold her and I will remove the sword from her."

"She will bleed out," Arthur said, his voice thick with tears, "She will die."

"She will die if it remains," Gaius replied, "If I remove this, there is some chance."

Arthur nodded, and tried to situate himself and Merlin's body so that Gaius could work. The old physician did not remove the sword immediately, however. First, he cut away the middle of Merlin's dress, so that he could bind the wound as soon as the sword was gone.

"Ready?" he asked Arthur, his hands on the blade. Arthur nodded again.

Gaius pulled. Merlin screamed. The sword clattered to the floor, and Gaius went immediately to work, crudely stitching the wound together, and wrapping Merlin in bandages.

"This should hold until I can operate on her fully," Gaius said, securing the last of the bandages, "Come, bring her to my chambers."

As gently as he could, Arthur lifted Merlin. She cried out as her body shifted, but her eyes did not open. He wished that they would. She would be in a great deal of pain, yes, but then he could be sure that she was still there, still with him entirely.

He laid her out on Gaius' operating table, and staggered back. Gwen rushed into the room.

"Why did you let her leave?" he demanded to know as she ran forward, "She was to stay here for the duration of the battle!"

Gwen's mouth opened in horror as Gaius unwrapped the bandages.

"She would have left, whether I let her or not. Nothing can stop Merlin when she sets out to do something. You should know that," Gwen said softly, and Arthur immediately felt bad for snapping at her.

"Gwen, come help me," Gaius called, and Gwen rushed forward once again.

There was nothing more that Arthur could do. He was a warrior, not a healer. He was nothing in that room, except in the way. As Gaius and Gwen worked over Merlin, cleaning her wound, trying to stop the blood loss, Arthur paced.

He paced back and forth, around the edge of the room, he paced up and down the stairs, he paced until he heard a baby's cry from the back room, Merlin's room. Ailesh. How could he have forgotten? With Gwen assisting Gaius, Ailesh was all alone, and clearly, he was awake. Arthur hurried from the room, to make sure that he was alright.

Ailesh was squalling in his cradle, squirming about, flapping his tiny arms. Arthur reached down to pick up the baby, but remembered his armor, soaked in Merlin's blood. He felt sick. The blood was slowly drying, cracking on the silver of his armor. He undid it himself for the first time in a long time. Merlin had always been there to help him dress before battle, and to relieve him of his armor after the day was over. He dropped it on the floor, and wiping his hands on the cleanest bit of his clothing, he reached down to pick up Ailesh.

"Shh, Ailesh, don't cry," he whispered, rocking the distressed child back and forth, "Don't cry."

The crying didn't cease, but the screaming lightened somewhat. Ailesh stared up at Arthur with huge, blue eyes, Merlin's eyes. It was unnerving, the way the child held his gaze. It broke his heart, to see those eyes, so young and so very like Merlin's.

Perhaps he would never again be able to see Merlin's clear blue eyes, perhaps the last time he looked in her face, as they had embraced on the battle field, would be the last time he could stare into her eyes and she could gaze back at him.

"Oh God," he choked out, and the tears began to fall.

Trying desperately to wipe them away, Arthur sank down to the floor, Ailesh still in his arms.

"I am sorry," he said, as if Ailesh could understand, "I am sorry that I can't be strong when I need to be, that I cannot be strong like your mother."

"You _are _strong, Sire," said Gwen, walking into the room, "And do not ever think otherwise."

Arthur looked up, and immediately felt sick again. Gwen was covered in blood, Merlin's blood. It soaked her dress, coated her hands and arms, and even clung to the ringlets of her hair that had escaped her braid.

"Gaius is finished for now," she said, "He does not know yet if she will live, but she will at least have a little bit longer now, time to say goodbyes, if she wishes."

Arthur noticed a slight quiver in Gwen's voice, but it did not crack, and tears did not come spilling out of her eyes. He nodded at her, unable to speak.

"I will wash up, and then I can take Ailesh again," she said, "Wait here for a moment."

She left, and returned several minutes later, the blood scrubbed from her hands and arms, and a clean smock over her bloodied dress. She took Ailesh from Arthur, and laid him down in his cradle.

"Go," she whispered, placing a soft kiss on Arthur's forehead.

Taking a deep breath, Arthur stepped back into the main room. Gaius was standing over Merlin, staring down at her unconscious form with eyes like a worried father. He looked up at Arthur.

"She is... somewhat better," Gaius said, "But the danger has not passed. I fear she does not have long."

He bowed his head again, and left Merlin's side, squeezing Arthur's shoulder as he passed. Arthur sat down next to Merlin, and stared at her a while.

Death, it seemed, had already begun to take hold of her. Her skin was white and icy, no red patches on her cheeks, no sweat on her brow. The only color on her body was the blood that had not been cleaned away, a bright red stain on her pale skin. Merlin looked so tiny, laid out on the bloody slab, clad in only her undergarments. Her hands were placed lightly on top of her ribs. It was as if she were already dead, and her body was now on display for mourners to pay their respects.

But she is not yet dead, Arthur thought, and nor will she be for a very long time.

He grasped her hand, threading his fingers through hers. Her flesh was cold.

"Merlin, you are going to be fine," he said, "You will not die. In fact, you'll probably be back to your old self, polishing my armor, in a few days time. Well, maybe not that. But you will not die. You're far too much of a stubborn, pig headed fool to let Death get the better of you."

If he stayed perfectly still and silent, Arthur could hear the very faint sound of Merlin breathing. It was not much, but it was a small comfort.

"I wonder how many times we have sat like this," he said, "But with you in my position, and myself in yours. I hope that I have not caused you as much pain as this is causing me right now."

Arthur could only speculate at the number of times she had stayed by his side as he fought off death, and the number of times she had pulled him from its clutches. More than he would like to think. But he also wondered at how many times she had nearly died in her efforts to protect him. Sure, some he knew about, but there must have been countless other times that she suffered on his behalf. And he would never know.

"What if your secret had been kept, Merlin?" he wondered aloud, "Where would we be today, hmm?"

"Probably dead," came a voice from behind him.

Arthur spun around. Gwaine was standing there. He had not heard him come in.

"How long did you know of her magic?"

"Since I rode to Ealdor after the city fell," Arthur said, "She saved my life. Again."

"She is far too good for the likes of us, isn't she, Sire?" Gwaine said, walking towards him.

"Yes, she is," Arthur agreed, "How are the rest of the knights?"

"Some minor injuries. Mostly they are worried for Merlin. What should I tell them when I return?"

Arthur stared down at Merlin's deathly pale face.

"Tell them that she yet lives, but that Gaius does not know for how long she will last."

The words felt heavy in his mouth, like lead, choking him.

"Tell the knights that when she is moved from here, they may come see her. I am sure that they would like to say goodbye."

Gwaine nodded. He bent down and kissed Merlin's forehead, and straightened up.

"I am sorry, Sire," he said.

"Don't be, Gwaine," Arthur said, "It was not your hand who dealt this blow."

"All the same, I am sorry."

They locked eyes for a moment, and then Gwaine left, and Arthur was alone again.

* * *

Carefully, Arthur lay Merlin on the turned down sheets of his bed. He pulled the covers up, and tucked them around her. She didn't stir. Arthur brushed a hair out of her face, his fingers lingering on her cheek. From behind him, he heard the knights enter the room. They stood at attention behind him, waiting for a signal that indicated they were allowed to approach.

Arthur stepped back, breathing heavily. He would not intrude on their moments, as he would not wish them to intrude on his. Standing quietly to the side, he watched as they bent in turn to whisper some secret or prayer in Merlin's ear, and to kiss her forehead. Tears were running down their cheeks, every one of them.

Gaius and Gwen approached next, and Arthur could bear it no longer. He turned from the bed as Gaius was bending over Merlin, checking her vital signs. He studied the wall, hoping that he wouldn't begin to cry.

"Sire," said Gaius, "Sire, she is awake."

Immediately, Arthur spun around and raced to the bedside. Everyone was crowding around its edges, their faces hungry with hope. Arthur knelt down, so that his head was level with hers.

"Merlin," he whispered.

There was so much that he needed to say, things he had confessed a thousand times over in his head, but now that the moment was here, his last moment, every thought vanished from his mind.

"I love you," he said, finally, and with those words, he realized they were all he had ever really needed to say.

"I love you too," she said, her voice barely audible, "But you know that, don't you?"

He could only nod.

"Is there any way that you can use your magic to heal yourself?" asked Gwaine, standing on the other side of the bed, "Or anything we can do that might prove useful?"

"I could try to use magic," she said, "But the energy it would take might only serve to kill me faster."

"You will _not _use magic to save yourself," Arthur said, "You will not need to."

She smiled at him, her eyes glassy with unspilled tears.

"Arthur, there is nothing you do," she told him.

"There has to be," he pleaded.

"Just bring Ailesh to me," she said, "I don't want to die without seeing him one last time."

There was a bustle, and Gwen gently handed Ailesh to Arthur. He raised the infant to Merlin, but did not let her hold him, as the weight of him was probably too much for her.

"Everything is going to be fine," she whispered to Ailesh, who seemed to have sensed the mournful atmosphere of the room, "There are many people in this world who love you, and they will always be there to take care of you. You will grow up and be a strong man, with powerful magic, and will do many great things in this world. I know that you will."

The baby began to squirm in Arthur's arms, crying out. His eyes glowed gold, and there were several pops in the air. Nothing appeared damaged, but Arthur pulled Ailesh away from Merlin anyways, just to be safe. Gwen took him and put him back in the cradle.

"Arthur, please take care of him," Merlin said.

"Of course I will," he replied, "And you will take care of him with me. He will be a great king, one day."

The tears began to leak from Merlin's eyes then.

"You'll claim him as your own, then?" she said, "He will not be a bastard?"

"Merlin, he has always been a Pendragon, from the moment he was born," Arthur told her.

Arthur bent down and kissed her lips, dry and chapped, caked with blood. She closed her eyes. Arthur felt the tears begin to fall from his eyes, dropping like rain onto Merlin's pale face. He sat up, and Gaius moved in.

"She is not dead," Gaius announced, "But I fear she will not make it through the night. At this point there is nothing we can do but hope."

Everyone was silent, eyes downcast. They filed from the room, leaving Arthur alone with Merlin. He grasped her cold, limp hand, and pressed it to his lips.

"Come back to me," he said, "Please, come back to me."

* * *

well, it's less of a cliff hanger than last time. sort of. sorry that any description of medical treatment is shit. i don't know anything about anything, which I am sure is blatantly obvious.

your reviews are always appreciated!

xx


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